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Since I got to lazy to do RefWatch back in March we've not won a game (P11, D5, L6), so to please the Football Gods and to ensure a glorious win on Saturday here's; RefWatch; Ref for Fleetwood game is John Brooks, 27, from Melton Mowbray, a tiny town in the midlands where the locals are so...

RefWatch; Ref for Cobblers game is Nigel Miller, 57, a huge arsed ex-cop from Durham. Terrifying looking chap - huge, bald, and has the scariest head in the football league. He has a softer side though, being heavily involved in the local theater scene - says it's 'in his blood'. That's...

RefWatch; Ref for Blades game (P13 since '79, W4 D3 L6 ) is David Webb, 39, from Wearside. FL ref since 99, and mainly does L1 & L2 games. Loves reffing, he won the coveted 'Golden Whistle' refs award last season, which is just like Fr Ted's 'Golden Cleric', but much, much gayer. Points are...

RefWatch; Ref for Bogey Team Oxford (P6 at home since '09 as AFC - W0 D1 L5, F1 A10, & P6 as WFC between '80 & '87 - W1 D2 L3, F9 A12) is Mark Haywood, 47, from West Yorkshire. Works as a development Officer for West Riding FA. FL ref since '06. Says all the Yorkshire refs get on well because...

RefWatch; Ref for Sutton game (played two PSF at Ganders Green & lost both; 4-0 in our very first game as AFC on 10th July '02, and 1-0 a year later) is Keith Stroud, 47, a business manager from Bournemouth. Huge Luton fan, poor bastard. FL ref since '04, and was a Premier League ref for 3 years...

RefWatch; Ref for Gas game (played 4 times at the Mem, lost every one) is Brett Huxtable, 31, a builder from Devon. First season as a FL ref. Sounds like something out of a Mark Twain novel and looks like it too - all crooked yellow teeth, fat belly and dreadful ginger hair. Says his tradesman...

RefWatch; Ref for the Fleetwood game is Lee Swabey, 32, a sports centre manager from Plymouth. FL ref since last year, and this is his first game of the season due to injury. Absolute doppelganger of a young Johnny Hartson - receding ginger hair, little piggy eyes, cheap shitty tattoo - he's a...

RefWatch; Ref for Millwall game (played 13 times at the Den since '80; W4 D4 L5; last D3 game was a 1-1 draw in April '84) is the perennially injured Graham Horwood, 40, from Luton. FL ref since '11. Ridiculously unfit - only did 12 games last season due to a groin injury; went off at half-time...

RefWatch; Ref for tonight's FA Cup game in the never-ending battle against Flitcroft's Funboys is John Brooks, 26, from Leicester. First season as a FL ref. Card-crazy motherfucker - has given a whopping 75 Y & 6 R in 17 games this season - one of the biggest in the FL. Weedy looking chinless...

RefWatch; Ref for Latics game (played 6 times at Boundary Park, W3, D1, L2) is the worlds greatest ref, Womble lover Darren Deadman. Very unusual to have him so soon after the Oxford game, but he loved it so much he insisted that he ref us again. Not the best looking chap - the only time he's...

RefWatch; Ref for Bantams game (played 9 times at home since '78, W6 D2 L1, last D3 game we won 4-1 in Nov '83) is Graham Horwood, 40, from Luton. Appointed FL ref in '11, kicked out after a mistake-ridden year, then reinstated in '14. Gets injured a lot (only did 12 games last season); he went...

RefWatch; Ref for Posh game (played 5 times at London Road since '70, W1 D2 L2) is Brett Huxtable, 31, a self-employed builder from North Devon. Natural Devon beauty - huge belly, big hairy arse, comely squint. First season as a FL ref & the third virgin we've had so far this season (only had 1...

RefWatch; Ref for Shakers game (played them 5 times at Gigg Lane - W2 D1 L2 - our last D3 game ended in a 2-1 Womble victory in Sept '79) is Andy Haines, 49, a project manager from Sunderland. FL ref since 2007. Says he's a 'pure Mackem' and it shows - he really has his mother's squint and his...

RefWatch; Ref for Swindon (played 7 times at home since '79, W3 D3 L1) is John Busby, 28, a tubby ginger from Oxford - big U's fan. First season as FL ref - only did 18 games in Conference last season (44Y & 8R - massively huge), so should be similar to Michael Salisbury, the young chap who...

RefWatch; Satan's human form comes to the Kassam on Sunday in the shape of Womble killer Darren 'Beelzebub' Deadman, 44. FL ref since 2005. Works as a Civil Servant in Peterborough, which really is the perfect cover for the Evil One, cos no-one expects a Midlands tax inspector to be anything...

RefWatch; Ref for Gillingham match (played them 11 times at home since '77; W5 D1 L5) is Darren England, 30, from Barnsley. Third season as FL ref. Has the same job as our ref for Shrewsbury - referee development trainee - and he was so wonderful, wasn't he. Very posh chap is Darren, and has...

RefWatch; Ref for Coventry game (played them away 18 times since '86; W3 D7 L8) is Mark Heywood, 50, an NHS Communications Manager from West Yorkshire. 6th season as a FL ref. Has the biggest card count of any ref so far this season, in 9 games he's given a huge 42 yellows - absolutely crazy. I...

RefWatch; Ref for Shrews game (played them 4 times at home since '85, W3 D1), is Michael Salisbury, 23, a training manager from Lancashire. First season as a FL ref, and he only spent one season in the Conference, so he must be brilliant. Youngest ref in the FL too, his dad Graham, who did our...

Refwatch; Ref for the Charlton game is Oliver Langford, 40, from the West Midlands. FL ref since 2007. Pretty chap with a glourious bouffant - hair says Bonnie Tyler '87; shorts say Old Compton St 2AM - and it's widely rumored that James Blunt wrote 'You're Beautiful' about him after watching...

RefWatch; Ref for the Rochdale game (played 7 times at Spotland since '77; W1 D2 L4) is the diminutive Chris Sarginson, 45, from Staffs. FL ref since '09. Small angry chap with gorgeous hair - imagine Liberace played by Jason Statham - and with Barry Cropp being the 4th official it'll be worth...