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Premier League Manager Anagrams; Josep Guardiola = Aguero Pip Lad Jose Mourinho = Hoes Ruin Mojo Antonio Conte = No Contain Toe. Jurgen Klopp = Kelp Jug Porn. Arsène Wenger = Renews Anger. Mauricio Pochettino = Heroic Cat Into Opium. Sean Dyche = Cash Needy. Claude Puel = Cue Dull Ape. Marco...

RefWatch; Ref for Cobblers game is Sasha Grey, 21, from California. Hardworking lady - my extensive research has discovered that she's worked as a babysitter, secretary, nurse, librarian, dental assistant, and babysitter again. Reffed Cobblers once; 1-1 draw with the Playboy Bunnies in the cup...

Since I got to lazy to do RefWatch back in March we've not won a game (P11, D5, L6), so to please the Football Gods and to ensure a glorious win on Saturday here's; RefWatch; Ref for Fleetwood game is John Brooks, 27, from Melton Mowbray, a tiny town in the midlands where the locals are so...

Love your match reports on SW19 Army, Slow Train. Please keep doing them!

RefWatch; Ref for Cobblers game is Nigel Miller, 57, a huge arsed ex-cop from Durham. Terrifying looking chap - huge, bald, and has the scariest head in the football league. He has a softer side though, being heavily involved in the local theater scene - says it's 'in his blood'. That's...

RefWatch; Ref for Blades game (P13 since '79, W4 D3 L6 ) is David Webb, 39, from Wearside. FL ref since 99, and mainly does L1 & L2 games. Loves reffing, he won the coveted 'Golden Whistle' refs award last season, which is just like Fr Ted's 'Golden Cleric', but much, much gayer. Points are...

KettleWatch; The Football Gods know that Gills fans are devastated because Deadly Darren Deadman isn't coming to the Priestfield tomorrow, so to make up for it they're sending Trevor there on Saturday instead. Loves Gills (I've heard he adores the fabled Gillingham nightlife); reffed them 16...

RefWatch; Ref for Chesterfield game (played 4 times at Saltergate/Proact since '79; lost 2-0 three times & drew one 0-0) is Eddie Ilderton, 47, from Newcastle. FL ref since 2002 & works as a cop in Nottingham. Very laid back, he took charge of our 2-2 draw with Accy in the play off second leg in...

Seeing as this forum seems to be getting quieter as the season goes on (there's more action in a frannies Y-fronts), to liven things up next season I'd like to see; -Rotherham down & Carlisle up; just so SERNWA & Carver can be together. It'll be like living in Ancient Greece & watching...

RefWatch; Ref for Bogey Team Oxford (P6 at home since '09 as AFC - W0 D1 L5, F1 A10, & P6 as WFC between '80 & '87 - W1 D2 L3, F9 A12) is Mark Haywood, 47, from West Yorkshire. Works as a development Officer for West Riding FA. FL ref since '06. Says all the Yorkshire refs get on well because...

No mate, they've been this brilliant for years.

RefWatch; Ref for Sutton game (played two PSF at Ganders Green & lost both; 4-0 in our very first game as AFC on 10th July '02, and 1-0 a year later) is Keith Stroud, 47, a business manager from Bournemouth. Huge Luton fan, poor bastard. FL ref since '04, and was a Premier League ref for 3 years...

RefWatch; Ref for Gas game (played 4 times at the Mem, lost every one) is Brett Huxtable, 31, a builder from Devon. First season as a FL ref. Sounds like something out of a Mark Twain novel and looks like it too - all crooked yellow teeth, fat belly and dreadful ginger hair. Says his tradesman...

10 yellows & a dodgy pen - that's the Trevor we know & love! How was he today?

Santa's sent you O's fans a lovely Christmas gift to round off a brilliant year at Brisbane Road, cos Trevor Kettle's coming to town - the perfect end to a wonderful year at Orient. What's it been, 14 defeats in 25 games at home in 2016?

RefWatch; Ref for Shrimpers game (P12 at Roots Hall since '78; L6 D1 W5, won the last 3) is Lee Collins, 34, a fat English teacher from Woking. FL ref since 2011. Had a typical Woking upbringing - his father was a chimney sweep and his mother was a whore - and it's widely believed Charles...

RefWatch; Ref for Port Vale game is Santa Claus, 55, a fat second-hand reindeer salesman from East Grinchstead. Reffed Wombles 3 times; 4-0 hammering at the Sixfields against NorthPoleHampton; brutal 3-0 humping at the Priestfield against Jingle-ingham; and the narrow 1-0 loss to Bristol...

RefWatch; Ref for scum game is Geoff Eltringham, 40, a diminutive chap from Sunderland. FL ref since 2009, and is one of 18 full time Championship refs. Looks like a teeny-tiny Jon Snow from Game of Thrones, all dark brooding eyes & sunken cheeks, and if we Wombles were a GoT character, we would...

RefWatch; Ref for Sunday's Curzon TV FA Cup game is James 'Eastlands' Adcock, 32, from Long Eaton. FL ref since '11 and is one of the 18 full time SG2 refs who mainly do Championship & lower league TV games. Dad David was a FL lino for years, and his brother is also a ref, which sounds like a...

RefWatch; Ref for the Fleetwood game is Lee Swabey, 32, a sports centre manager from Plymouth. FL ref since last year, and this is his first game of the season due to injury. Absolute doppelganger of a young Johnny Hartson - receding ginger hair, little piggy eyes, cheap shitty tattoo - he's a...