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Personally since our own eye-scratching foray in to the Mordor League, I've always been an advocate for 3 up, 3 down. I felt that way when in it and I've felt that way out of it. I think the club's that drop there will never experience a more hopeless feeling in football. If you've not lived the...

Poor if you win, looked a decent side if you lose. It's a default argument that most supports use in the disappointment of defeat, or the cosiness of victory; including our own lot. Some of us should stop being so precious and just be happy with another very welcome 3pts, against a side...

We've rung the doorbell but the battery seems to have been taken out. We've looked through the letterbox and all of your jackets are hung up, suggesting that you're all in. We've peered through the window and the telly is on and we're sure that there was movement from behind the sofa. We've...

How late in the day does it have to be before I can announce to everyone - Your (insert name of your club) new signing (insert name/s of your fresh face/s) are absolute dogshite. (Insert name of your manager here) has dropped a right bollock there and you're (going down/staying down). Night.

I've written my latest novel and need to find a publisher; has anyone got Palmer's agents mobile number? I need a miracle worker who can shift any old shit.

Hard not to fear for The Orient. They're in just the sort of mire that has seen clubs plunge in to the hellhole before and they surpassed pre-match assumptions that they might not be particularly good. We've had fewer more comfortable afternoons over the past couple of years. However, there's...

We've got to be aiming higher than scouting tinpot fourth division footballers. Perhaps need to scout the European leagues or that African Nations Vase thing?

Aww c'mon, we just want to join in with the massive clubs, in getting intoxicated on delusions of grandeur and spilling cash down the drain like a drunken sailor. In 119 years we've not had two groats to rub together. Turns out that the family silver was hidden beaneath the mattress all along...

I asked my neighbour if he wanted to sell me his Rolls Royce for £250. I winked and suggested a night with his wife and I'd round it up to £300. He gave me a really filthy look and set his hounds on to me. What's wrong with people, hey?

My head hurts.

Evans and Raynor never give the fourth official a moments peace. I'd imagine that hearts sink when they get the information through that they'll get the fourth official job for a side managed by that pair. They undoubtedly divide opinion. Everybody at Mansfield hated the way that they...

Someone suggesting that Grimsby is a horrible place with rough locals?...... That's a fresh opinion. Listen, I was seeing a Cleethorpes lass for a couple of years in the 1990's and it is no worse than a plethera of northern working class towns; and Grimbo people are fine,.......although I'm...

My head hurts.

My head hurts.

A lovely, cultured 'footballer'. Very comfortable on the ball, but is the quintessential 1 performance in 6 player. Scores goals from set pieces but his dead ball ability seems to have gone off the boil this season. He's probably taken 200 corner kicks, which we've failed to score from...

We, Mansfield, are the kid in the hand-me-downs, who thinks he looks good now but will cringe at the photographs in years to come. He's in detention for showing off by putting his freshly grown pubes in the woodwork room vice, only to get pushed over by the little scamp Accrington, who always...

What type of dogshit?... The old skool white stuff, little toy-dog pellets, or a massive mound of steaming Alsatian turd?

Basically ninety minutes of losing the senses that you've spent your life training; with about forty minutes of the ball being in the air. As bad a quality derby for some time. Let's hope that next season's games are a big improvement on it.

I much prefer signing nobodies for 'undisclosed fee' personally. The sight of cash figures makes my head hurt.

Looking forward to this one. Lots of spice about it. Obviously, the hosts have everything going off and a dreadful current run; whilst we are building a little unbeaten run and will take healthy backing. However, even though the odds look stacked in our favour, for the points, we aren't yet...