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Matchday Thread 08/08 - The TinpotVision Contest

CrazyImp

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(*imagine camp Eurovision opening here, clubs flags flying in the air. I come on stage wearing a red and white cravatte, or something....hopefully this video of B2TF will inspire.)


Hello, bonjour, guten tag, ciao.....as quickly as one season ends like Grimsby's inevitable play-off hopes, a new one blooms, much like this forum's love and affection for Macclesfield last season. The Macc Machine eventually stuttered and ran out of gas, but who will capture 1FF's hearts and minds this year? Can the Lincoln Loco play its way out of eternal mid-table? Will Guiseley's main stand be able to survive a stiff breeze or 20 Woking fans? So many questions, but now let's take a first look at our 24 contestants this year!

Aldershot vs. Gateshead
Altrincham vs. Forest Green
Barrow vs. Dover
Boreham Wood vs. Halifax
Bromley vs. Wrexham
Chester vs. Braintree
Kidderminster vs. Grimsby
Lincoln vs. Cheltenham
Southport vs. Eastleigh
Torquay vs. Macclesfield
Tranmere vs. Woking
Welling vs. Guiseley

First let's start with our neighbours just up the road, who surprisingly received nil points from us last season, Grimsby....as always, they can be depended upon to deliver a strong entry, like Kim Kardashian or Nicki Minaj, very solid at the back, but that hasn't been their issue whilst chasing the Tinpot title over the past few seasons.....they will hope to have rectified this by purchasing Bogle and Amond, and will start at Kidderminster, a club with great food but who have suffered from production problems recently....expectations are limited.

And so we move swiftly on to one of their main rivals, who have promised to deliver a spectacular performance for such a tiny club, it may even go down as a mythical "vision" when we speak of it in ten years' time....yes that's right, Eastleigh will begin their quest to achieve the fairytale on gates averaging 68 at Southport, the ultimate clash of cultures.....Donnatella Versace meets Vera Duckworth. The latter knows a trick or two on her own patch, the Hampshire Ambition will have to be careful.

Next up, we have some new faces to the contest this year.....Tranmere, who have been left reeling after being slapped in the face two seasons running by Lady Relegation, and have assembled a squad high on personality if not brains, will begin their non-league journey at home to Woking. Expect the Dolly Partons of this division to pick up a lot of points from the smaller territories a la Bristol Rovers last season, but it may not be enough to lift the glittering trophy.

Another new(ish) entrant is Cheltenham, who have a good leader at the helm and will be looking to steady a pretty turbulent ship after dropping to this sordid level, and they have the absolute honour of visiting Sincil Bank first this season, where they will be treated to the equivalent of a mind-numbing Montenegrin ballad......for some reason, we'll pick up enough points from somewhere to finish anonymously in mid-table, rinse and repeat. Chris Moyses to do a passable Englebert impression.

Of the newly promoted tinpotters, Boreham Wood have arguably improved their lot the most, enhancing their assets in the middle with the quality of Scott Doe in particular. They host Halifax first, whom the individual in the video at the start supports, and resembled Boris Becker in a cupboard last season - started well, but ultimately ran out of stamina, the glory came and went all too quickly. They'll be looking for more consistency this time out. Also in the south, Bromley will host Wrexham, who have only just removed Gary Mills from his armspread dancemove in the Racecourse centre circle.

Elsewhere around the country.....Aldershot will be optimistic of improving this season with diva Barnes-Homer representing them up front, and host a somewhat declining, saggy Gateshead.....Forest Green will enter the stage as always in their midas suits, it's a shame there's little of substance behind the glitz more often than not - three points at Altrincham would go some way to disproving this.....Dover will hope to avoid the naff second-season entry that falls down the standings with a lovely short visit to Barrow.....Chester will hope to avoid some opening day cheese at home to Braintree.....last season's sweethearts Macclesfield will hope to be breakdancing all along Torquay pier come 5pm.....and finally, Welling welcome Guiseley, a fixture that is sexier than Scarlett Johansson and Mila Kunis combined without argument.

And there you have it. 24 teams all fighting for the right to lift the Vanarama jewel, the tinpot tiara, the non-league diamond.....all for the right to avoid this hellhole next year, a worthy prize I'm sure you'll all agree. So sit back, enjoy the moment Tranmere get walloped 5-0 at Guiseley, savour the time Boreham Wood pull over 500 fans in, revel in the £50 notes Richard Hill disguises as ambition.....and you never know, dreams can come true, your team could be queens of this tinpot kingdom come April/May 2016.

Exit, to hone my Montenegrin accent.
 

Woodworm

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Incredible start to the Matchday thread season
 

DarkSithLord

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Great Piece Crazy as always. Good to see you back! Some decent fixtures on opening day including Tranmere v Woking but its never too early for a relegation 6 pointer at Park View Rd for Welling v Guiseley. Two teams I expect to fill 2 of the relegation berths come May.
 

Master D

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I don't know anything about Bromley other than the fact they'll beat us and meltdown will ensue in Millsville. Tranmere will win 5-0 and proclaim that they will indeed be urinating this division. And Grimsby will as usual scrap out a 1-0 away win with a goal about 15 mins from time.
 

Cardsfan

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Great stuff Crazy :D

Still feels like a while away yet but it should be a good start to the season.
 

yellow

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You somehow continue to make this division sound exciting, which takes some doing.

Fair play.
 

Jemfy

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I feel like Andy Samberg is the perfect avatar for Crazy while doing these previews, I read it in his voice... and much like his character in Brooklyn-nine-nine he's missed the obvious. The most important match of the opening weekend!

That's right folks. Diamonds are back in action too, opening up the first season in the Southern League with a home game against Petersfield Town.

It's a bit of a strange opening fixture for both teams to acclimatise to life in step 4 against a side that won their respective divisions last season! Petersfield won the Wessex League, and could have been considered entrants for either the Southern League D1 South & West, or the Isthmian League D1 South, while we also narrowly missed being placed in the Northern Premier D1 South.

I could spout off what's in the Wikipedia article for Petersfield Town, because that's as useful as any information I have about them! I'm not even sure as to the relative strength of the Wessex league to the UCL or the improvements they may or may not have made over the summer. At least when we play others we have a vague idea of how they will do based on the previous season...
 

Si Robin

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Great read Crazy. I'm strangely looking forward to this season. The air of optimism around the club is a relief in a way. Not that I think we're going to walk the League or anything. A decent crack at the playoffs is what I'll be looking for and I see no reason why we can't do so.

The fact that the new recruits have show more desire in the Pre-season friendlies than a lot of players from last season did in a relegation battle speaks volumes.

Roll on next Saturday (where I can't make Lincoln unfortunately) and our first home game on the Tuesday after against Aldershot.
 

immariner

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If anyone wasn't pissing themselves with excitement before, they sure are now!

For us, a point at Kiddie would be a good start, get on the board nice and early. What looks likely to be a pretty decent following will probably be expecting a little more than just the solitary point though.
 

Pablosammy

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Great summary, I'm looking forward to this campaign. Although it'll be tempered when our fans discover FGR and Boreham Wood don't actually play in smokey clearings on densely wooded hillsides, our big local derby against Chester which all the die hards are looking forward to struggles to pull in an attendance above 6k, and we realise just how ridiculous it is trying to drive to Dover and back in a single day on a dark wintery Saturday in March...
 
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B2TF

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(*imagine camp Eurovision opening here, clubs flags flying in the air. I come on stage wearing a red and white cravatte, or something....hopefully this video of B2TF will inspire.)

.

Phwoar! Come on straight up, who wouldn't give me one. I would.
 

DarkSithLord

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So we return to life in the North at Bradford PA. Going to be a busy week of signings though as officially we only have 13 players signed on!
 

Vanni

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Great write-up Crazy, like always! Also a good way to boost your likes to posts ratio ;)
 

BeeSting

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Tranmere will win 5-0 and proclaim that they will indeed be urinating this division..

Well we won our opening day game 5-0 and did proceed to urinate this division.
 

Who Needs Mourinho

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Really tough opening game for us, at home to Boston who lost out in the playoff semi-final last season. Going to be interesting to see which formation Young goes with and how quickly this new team can gel. Roberts, Evans and Colley all missed out with injury on Saturday so hopefully they will be back, Roberts especially would be a miss.

I won't be Edgeley Park though, as I will be at Moss Lane covering Altrincham Vs Forest Green for Non League Live. I read this week that the Forest Green owner has set the target of 1st place, so no pressure there then. Looking at the squad I do think they could come close to gaining that elusive promotion, but it all depends on whether Pennock is up to the task.
 

BeeSting

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That's nearly true, but how long before you're back down here?
We won't be back down here for a long long time now pal. We've got the finances to compete at a higher level with the income generated from the hive.
 

CrazyImp

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Bump, the moment draws near.

Ideally looking for the three points but the most vital thing is to take anything by 5pm, I wouldn't be too dissatisfied with a draw.
 

Cardsfan

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Bump, the moment draws near.

Ideally looking for the three points but the most vital thing is to take anything by 5pm, I wouldn't be too dissatisfied with a draw.
Are you keeping up your promise of not going to games? ;)
 

slaphead

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Tough start for us, Gateshead (h), Cheltenham (a), Wrexham (a). Anything more than a point from those three and I'll be delighted.
 

GodsGift

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We'll draw 1-1 and Liam Hearn will get injured.
 

CrazyImp

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We'll soon find out. Will go one extreme or the other.

I'm quite looking forward to it, I've made it pretty clear I have no expectation whatsoever.
 

Luke Imp

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I'll guess at 4-3-3.

Farman, Wood, Waterfall, Howe, Beevers, Stanley, Sparrow, Power, Muldoon, Rhead, Simmons.

Subs - Grant, Brown/Bush, Nolan, Robinson, Hearn

EDIT - Doesn't sound as though we're even thinking about starting Hearn until the end of August, and we can't go with two up front without him really due to lack of strikers.
 

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