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RefWatch; Ref for Millwall game (played 13 times at the Den since '80; W4 D4 L5; last D3 game was a 1-1 draw in April '84) is the perennially injured Graham Horwood, 40, from Luton. FL ref since '11. Ridiculously unfit - only did 12 games last season due to a groin injury; went off at half-time...

Good God. I haven't seen Linsey give someone a smashing like that since the Dean Holdsworth sextape (ask your grandad. Actually, don't). Linsey's two up front ruthlessly exposed Gemma's weak behind, and if this brutal pounding keeps up, by 5pm Saturday Gemma's arsehole will be stretched wider...

Linsey's alright, she fucked most of the Wimbledon team back in the 90s, and she's still married to our ex defender Mark Williams, she loves a bit of Womble. She started doing porn when she was 17 and is still going strong, which is fucking brilliant tragic. Mind you, Gemma's an Unsworth girl...

RefWatch; Ref for tonight's FA Cup game in the never-ending battle against Flitcroft's Funboys is John Brooks, 26, from Leicester. First season as a FL ref. Card-crazy motherfucker - has given a whopping 75 Y & 6 R in 17 games this season - one of the biggest in the FL. Weedy looking chinless...

RefWatch; Ref for Latics game (played 6 times at Boundary Park, W3, D1, L2) is the worlds greatest ref, Womble lover Darren Deadman. Very unusual to have him so soon after the Oxford game, but he loved it so much he insisted that he ref us again. Not the best looking chap - the only time he's...

Bradford fans are the best you'll meet, it's the Leeds fans you need to be careful of. Anyway, here's JefWatch; A Wombling Winters Tale. Ref for 4 Wombles games in the fun filled '99/'00 season was Jeff Winter, 61, a financial advisor from Middlesbrough. Reffed us at Goodison in the 4-0 humping...

RefWatch; Ref for Bantams game (played 9 times at home since '78, W6 D2 L1, last D3 game we won 4-1 in Nov '83) is Graham Horwood, 40, from Luton. Appointed FL ref in '11, kicked out after a mistake-ridden year, then reinstated in '14. Gets injured a lot (only did 12 games last season); he went...

RefWatch; Ref for Posh game (played 5 times at London Road since '70, W1 D2 L2) is Brett Huxtable, 31, a self-employed builder from North Devon. Natural Devon beauty - huge belly, big hairy arse, comely squint. First season as a FL ref & the third virgin we've had so far this season (only had 1...

RefWatch; Ref for Shakers game (played them 5 times at Gigg Lane - W2 D1 L2 - our last D3 game ended in a 2-1 Womble victory in Sept '79) is Andy Haines, 49, a project manager from Sunderland. FL ref since 2007. Says he's a 'pure Mackem' and it shows - he really has his mother's squint and his...

RefWatch; Ref for Swindon (played 7 times at home since '79, W3 D3 L1) is John Busby, 28, a tubby ginger from Oxford - big U's fan. First season as FL ref - only did 18 games in Conference last season (44Y & 8R - massively huge), so should be similar to Michael Salisbury, the young chap who...

RefWatch; Satan's human form comes to the Kassam on Sunday in the shape of Womble killer Darren 'Beelzebub' Deadman, 44. FL ref since 2005. Works as a Civil Servant in Peterborough, which really is the perfect cover for the Evil One, cos no-one expects a Midlands tax inspector to be anything...

RefWatch; Ref for Gillingham match (played them 11 times at home since '77; W5 D1 L5) is Darren England, 30, from Barnsley. Third season as FL ref. Has the same job as our ref for Shrewsbury - referee development trainee - and he was so wonderful, wasn't he. Very posh chap is Darren, and has...

RefWatch; Ref for Coventry game (played them away 18 times since '86; W3 D7 L8) is Mark Heywood, 50, an NHS Communications Manager from West Yorkshire. 6th season as a FL ref. Has the biggest card count of any ref so far this season, in 9 games he's given a huge 42 yellows - absolutely crazy. I...

RefWatch; Ref for Shrews game (played them 4 times at home since '85, W3 D1), is Michael Salisbury, 23, a training manager from Lancashire. First season as a FL ref, and he only spent one season in the Conference, so he must be brilliant. Youngest ref in the FL too, his dad Graham, who did our...

Refwatch; Ref for the Charlton game is Oliver Langford, 40, from the West Midlands. FL ref since 2007. Pretty chap with a glourious bouffant - hair says Bonnie Tyler '87; shorts say Old Compton St 2AM - and it's widely rumored that James Blunt wrote 'You're Beautiful' about him after watching...

RefWatch; Ref for the Uncle Bulgaria v Ned Stark game (P24, W11 D7 L6) is Graham Salisbury, 55, an aerospace engineer from Lancashire. Oldest ref in the league - he can't run anymore, can't see very well & only communicates by grunts - but apart from that he's perfect. His son's a ref too...

He's back!!! Stevenage & Crawley fans will be feeling the wrath of Kettle on Saturday cos he's coming to the Lamex for his first game of the season. I'm so fucking happy I've written a special poem for this momentous occasion; There was a ref called Trevor Who wasn't very clever He blew up too...

RefWatch; Ref for the Rochdale game (played 7 times at Spotland since '77; W1 D2 L4) is the diminutive Chris Sarginson, 45, from Staffs. FL ref since '09. Small angry chap with gorgeous hair - imagine Liberace played by Jason Statham - and with Barry Cropp being the 4th official it'll be worth...

RefWatch; Ref for Cobblers game in our glorious plummet straight back down the football league pyramid is Nick Kinseley, 42, a big angry baldie from Essex. Second season as a FL ref & works as a financial adviser in Rayleigh. Says being 'completely prepared' is the key to being a ref. Wise words...

Double post.