Life in Levice

[MSB92]

Fantastic write up Gulliball, I really enjoyed this thread. Keep up the good work!

 

[Gulliball]

In an effort to raise morale in the town and bring our title back home, I have commissioned a Club Hymm.

I would like all true Levicians to rise, put your hand on your heart and sing with me...

 

[Gulliball]

I don't wish to sound paranoid, but we had been champions for the last two years and the media profile we had received in that time was almost nothing. No sooner had Kosice won it, than the SFZ had their image on every poster, website banner and TV advert going. By the time I packed my suitcase for my week in Hungary I was glad to be leaving the country. Still, at least it wasn't golden boys Slovan, who I knew they wanted to worship.

On the transfer front, we only had to sell 4 players to generate £10.77m. These 4 guys had been bought for £2.3m, so a very nice profit for developing them. This, along with the Champions League money for the last two years, allowed us to support a talented young squad on gates of 4000 paying less than £10 a head.

Whilst the money was there though, I spent £5.25m on more players to develop. These were £2m, £1.7m and £1.5m players, so not cheap, but with room to develop.

In Europe, we were not in the Champions League, which meant the money on offer was much less, and will mean more players will have to be sold next year.

Losing the League but winning the Cup also meant that the season kicked off with the Super Cup for the first time in a while. We proved that we were the better side with a 3-1 victory over Kosice, but I doubt the photos will make any advertising material anytime soon.

In the EURO Cup, would you Adam and Eve it? We drew Mika again, and this time I was not in jail. The novelty was gone, but I still had a whale of a time. Numerous other tinpot sides could not stop us, and soon we were in the group stages, netting another million. Leverkusen, Partizan and Gothenburg saw us collect 2 wins, 2 draws and 2 defeats, and it was enough for 2nd place in the group on whatever separating system they use.

Our European run went past Christmas for the first time in our history, and Steaua were our prize. After a 3-3 draw, we were kicked out of the competition on away goals. I will hold my hands up, I should have known that away goals were used in Europe and pushed for a winner instead of playing for penalties that never arrived.

We also won a 5th straight Slovak Cup. The board stopped caring a while ago, but I still like any winning any trophy.

The trouble with these cup runs was that an 18 man squad was designed for a 33 game season with a few domestic cup games for the fringe players and a European run that's over by Halloween.

We were unbeaten in the league after 11/33 games. Then the tiredness crept in a little bit and we faltered. I had faith that we could come good again, especially once the European run ended, but our form never picked up again. When all was said and done, we had finished 3rd with 57 points, our lowest total and position for many years.

This was also the third season in a row that we had done less well than the year before. In fact going from 72 points to 65 to 63 to 57 represents a team going in very much the wrong direction.

Still, our runs in Europe and my gut instinct on the squad, is that we are moving in the right direction. As long as we want to compete at the top, we will have to be a selling Club, but there is no reason why that should hold us back if Marek continues to find hidden gems that can fund our overachieving.

Domestically, this is a low point, but I will use this pain to launch our revival.

Season Overview 2029/30

League Finish: 3rd (57 points)
Cup: Winners
Super Cup Winners

4 players in, total spent £5.25m
4 players out, total received £10.77m

 

[Gulliball]

Two years minimum without the Champions League gravy boat means that for now we have to use the Euro Cup Pyrex measuring jug to fund our dealings. Gilton, a Brazilian goalkeeper we have had on loan for the past 12 months passed his sale or return trial, and we wanted him permanently. He only had 6 months left on his deal in Brazil, so we were able to get him for £650k. We added a Bolivian AMC on a free transfer and then were tipped off about two young promising strikers in Slovakia. Marek Petrus came in for £600k - he had just scored 19 in 26 for Trencin in the 1st Division and is only 19 years old. His pace will get him into good positions and he has plenty of time to develop the rest of his game. Peter Sabo came in from Dubnica for £16.75k - he is 17 and very raw but with the potential to be a very good player. For that price it was a no brainer.

Those 4 won't improve us massively, especially as one was here last year on loan, another won't be a first teamer for a few more years and the other two are currently squad players. The upside is that the squad have had a settled summer and won't need time to gel.

In terms of departures, 6 players made way, netting £18.48m. Now I am not going to blow my own trumpet and tell you just how much money I made for the Club from those deals, but Alexander Mak (free transfer) brought in £925k, Petr Kaufman (£55k) made £1.4m, Edson Martinez (£250k) made £2.4m, Bjelanovic (Club Record £3m) made £4.5m, Ondrej Mencl (£1.5m) made £6m and Darko Jelavic (£1m) made £3.2m.

All the departures included clauses to net us percentages of future transfers as they move up the food chain. They are all good players, but Mencl aside, none will go right to the very top, so taking the money now will help us more. Mencl went to Rangers, and he is too good to be playing in Scotland, so should move on pretty soon to a bigger league, giving us 50% of his next fee, on top of the £6m we've already banked. The training ground will be done up, boosting our reputation to attract the next generation of players to us.

In the Super Cup we tonked Senica 4-1, again claiming the prize of the morally best side in Slovakia.

Naftan, Haifa and Pomorac were seen off to reach the group stage of Europe again. That 0-3 defeat in the play-off second leg may look bad on paper, but we were 4-0 up from the first leg and I had no reason to suspect that it would be that close. The long weekend I took in Vienna with a few of the lads was vital relaxation before the long season ahead, and Marek managed to guide what was left of the squad to an aggregate victory.

Liverpool and Sevilla were too much for us, but we beat the minnows Botev twice to finish 3rd in the group and earn both a few more co-efficient points and an extra few quid in the bank.

This year, I was much more switched on in the league. The cups were all well and good, but if we weren't the best in Slovakia then we had no bragging rights or Champions League money.

7-0, 4-0 and 3-0 wins saw us start the season in style, and at Christmas we were the most comprehensive number one since Band Aid.

In the Slovak Cup, we were unstoppable once again. We strolled through all comers and only had bottom half Podbrezova to beat. I have always had a soft spot for them since that epic 6-5 comeback in my very first season in charge, now 16 years ago, when they also lost on the last day to help us stay up.

In the final we were 2-0 up and so dominant that I left at half time to beat the traffic. When I watched the news headlines that night I learned a lesson that all football managers have to learn at one time or another - it's worth spending ten minutes in traffic to see your team pick up a trophy. I have no idea how Marek managed to mess up that game, but I really should bring in another guy to manage the team when I can't be bothered to, as he's really not very good at it.

Looking at the result, we still had over half an hour to come back at them, and I cannot see how Marek managed to blow it for everyone. A sixth straight Cup win was thrown away and we had to return the trophy that we had held for so long that it had cobwebs attached when we handed it over.

This made me more determined than ever to prove that we were the best side in the country. We held the lead at the midway break and managed to hold it, before then going unbeaten in the last 10 games of the season. We had won it with 71 points, 14 clear of 2nd place.

71 points, back to our best, and the silverware is back home. The SFZ website banner still shows Kosice with the trophy, but I am sure they will update that... Right?

Season Overview 2030/31

League Finish: 1st (71 points)
Cup: Runners Up
Super Cup Winners

4 players in, total spent £1.27m
6 players out, total received £18.48m

 

[Gulliball]

Speculate to accumulate, Marek told me. That is the key to success, he said. I started a few rumours about the Chairman's wife before he explained what the saying meant. The whole thing ended up costing me two week's wages and puts me on very shaky ground for the future. Still, with my understanding of economics improved, the future is bright.

We were back in the Champions League, with the chance to compete for big riches again. But on gates of a few measly thousand there was still some fundraising to be done to pay the wage bill to compete at this level. It broke my heart to see Elias Munoz sold, he had arrived from Chile as an 18 year old kid for £78k - I had put him up on my sofa and introduced him to Leon's sister for when he felt lonely. But Rayo wanted to take him to Spain, and for £10m plus 50% of any future fee, he had to go. On his side, the vastly improved wages and mutual language will help soften the blow at having to say goodbye to me. That near enough £10m profit is what's keeping the Club in training ground upgrades and funding the Lion Girls' equipment.

Munoz leaving did open the floodgates somewhat. Right back Fodor (signed for £1.5m) went to Hannover for £7.25m + 50% and a striker called Diallo (£105k arrival) went to Braga for £6.75m + 50%. These three sales drew in the punters, and I had scouts, agents and managers ringing me up all day long to see who was next off the Levice production wheel. I was able to sell two more reasonable players for £4.7m and £4.2m. Even idiots were going for more than a million.

Marek sorted out some replacements for the usual type of fees we were paying - £2m, £400k, £500k, £4m. He found a 15 year old kid in Bosnia who he felt had the potential to be a superstar. Manchester United were interested as well, so we matched their £350k offer, and offered the kid first team football. He's got a girls name, but I'm willing to lay-off any bullying about that so long as he's playing well.

Signing someone who wasn't born when I took charge in this town made me feel old, and kicked off something that could be said to be a mid-life crisis. Marek found this Serbian, 18 years old and already good enough for the first team, but his team had realised he was good and wanted £5m. He felt we could get someone cheaper, but I speculated - and we brought him in.

The next logical step was to phone Real Madrid. I wanted someone good, they have the best players, so I started there. I was on the phone for over 20 minutes before I got through to someone who spoke something that wasn't Spanish. He said they had a Chinese striker for sale. We needed a striker, so I said yes. Marek wasn't impressed when I told him, but I think he was just jealous that I had found a player in under half an hour when he takes ages to scout for new guys. At £8.5m he was a Club Record transfer, and his £45k a week wage was over three times what anybody else was on. With hindsight I would probably have bought a new car and slept with a younger woman, but until time travel is invented, we're stuck with him. He should be pretty good having come from Madrid, but that's a lot of money to speculate.

Losing the Cup Final gave us the opportunity for revenge and an early season trophy. Podbrezova again performed out of their collective skins and we needed penalties to win the Super Cup.

We then set out into Europe. Funding a guy on £45k a week with gates of 6500 requires a little assistance, and that assistance needs to come from two men - Mr Champions, Mr League and Mr Group-Stages. I don't like hyphenated men, but for him I am prepared to make an exception.

We got lucky with the draw again. TNS had funny accents and didn't even have a proper team name, just some letters. The 10-0 humping was more than three goals for every letter. We then just had short train rides into Legia and Vienna to reach the group stages.

After a promising start, we looked set for an upset, but the big names kept us at bay. We did at least win another £1.7m in prize money, or nearly three-quarters of a year's wages for my new striker. One goal in two wasn't a bad record, but for his money I was hoping for two in one.

In the Cup, we were desperate to get our hands back on the trophy after losing it so casually last year. In the final we faced Trnava, a two mark, no bit side with an overweight manager and no fit centre forward. After a 2-2 draw we lost on penalties - and I was raging. Another trophy thrown away carelessly.

Two youth team players, a Lion Girl, Marek's secretary and the work experience lad were all fired before I regained my usual composure. A few of them had potential but we'll survive without them. The two youth teamers were crap, so they won't be missed at all.

In October 2031 I turned 50. It coincided with an International break, so Marek and I went away for a lads weekend in Prague, in the new car I had just bought, and accompanied by the young women I had hired for the trip over. Well, as Marek said, I couldn't afford a Chinese striker every time I felt old, not at my age.

We won the league.

Season Overview 2031/32

League Finish: 1st (68 points)
Cup: Runners Up
Super Cup Winners

9 players in, total spent £20.87m
14 players out, total received £36.55m

 

[Gulliball]

The summer of 2032 was an unusual one - the facilities were up to scratch for a team of our size, and we had a team good enough to win things domestically and reach the Champions League Group Stage.

Mei Yong aside, our Champions League revenue covered our severely underpaid squad, and the transfer profits were building up, giving us £30m in the bank.

Having sold three of our more developed starlets last summer, this year there was no-one knocking my door down to escape to a bigger club. I therefore took advantage of this break, and our solid financial position, to keep the squad together for once.

Marek found four players to add to us, two on free transfers and the others for £60k and £850k. Then he found a left back who he felt had the potential to be huge. £4.5m he cost us, even from a tinpot Slovenian Club, but these were the types of fee we had to pay when the selling club didn't have to sell or realised they had a gem in their mits. At least we were selling them for big money now, so the profit is still there, and they are helping to take us to new heights before moving on.

Even our transfer failures were benefitting us. Four years ago we lost out on an 18 year old Croatian prospect because Juventus came in and blew us out of the metaphorical water with metaphorical dynamite so big and free spending that we were thrown all the way back to Slovakia, literally empty handed.

I asked to take him on loan for a year, and he's ended up staying here for 4 years now. He took a year to grow up, but since then has been our number one striker. Not only did Juventus pay the transfer fee for him, they've since been paying either 100% or 50% of his wages to bang in the goals for us. If only I had done the same with the Chinese lad from Madrid.

With the five new guys I was able to sell two to bring in another £3m and prevent the squad from becoming too bloated.

A 4th straight Super Cup was achieved, and again revenge for a Cup Final defeat when we beat Trnava 1-0 in Bratislava.

In Europe, we were now seeded highly enough to avoid any big teams, and HB (15-0), Sparta (8-2) and APOEL (4-2) were all beaten.

In the Group Stages we beat Monaco 6-1 in the opening game, which proved to be a slightly false dawn. Still 7 points from the group was a good return from Bayern, Sporting and Monaco - and it left us 3rd in the group, extending the run into Europe until after Christmas, a sure sign of progress.

Domestically, I really wanted the Slovak Cup back. In the final we faced Slovan Bratislava, the poster boys of the SFZ. Never in my life have I wanted a win more. We had lost two finals in a row, having won the five in a row before that. I hated losing, and I hated Slovan.

That 3-0 win was sweet. In the capital, it showed the big wigs once and for all that Slovan had been crushed into the ground. Ground beneath the Levice boot. Broken like my Auntie's teapot.

In the league, the title was never in doubt. From the 33 games we won 25 of them, drawing 6 and losing only twice. 81 points was a new National record, and the 16 point gap to Trencin in 2nd place was also a record.

So, a domestic treble of League, Cup and Super Cup. Plus a run in Europe past Christmas, and the co-efficient was strong enough to give us a simpler draw into the Champions League group stages every year. The facilities were up to scratch and there is money in the bank. I may just have a little cigar and put my feet up for a night - drink this moment in.

Season Overview 2032/33

League Finish: 1st (81 points) New High
Cup: Winners
Super Cup Winners

5 players in, total spent £5.41m
2 players out, total received £3m

 

[Gulliball]

Prior to the season I have just described, the 2032/33 triumph, a boat was rocked. One media organisation reported that our 5 League titles and 6 Cup wins within the last decade was enough to elevate us to the position of number one side in Slovakia. Cynics within the bitter part of rival support groups pointed out that Slovakia was only formed in 1993. Downright naysayers questioned the partiality of the Levice Gazette, a newspaper I had formed myself the year before to challenge the rubbish produced by that despicable editor who downplayed our trophy haul to fit in regional chess coverage.

I am nothing if not honest, and I will say with my hand on my heart that I believed every word of that newspaper report, negating any potential bias in the article. This was still not enough to satisfy everyone within the established media conspiracy, but it got them talking and it got them debating. No side had ever dominated Slovakia for any length of time - until now.

This debate rumbled on and on. We won the Super Cup - some people saw it as proof that we are an unstoppable machine, others declared it a glorified pre-season friendly played for a meaningless shield. Then we strode into Europe and battled with the very best - some oiks questioned whether Bayern Munich were really all that, but others started to come around. We won the Cup again, dicking Slovan in the final - the corrupt elite spat out their toys, but the crowds roared as we won the league again. Three titles in a row and a record points haul, giving us the domestic treble. Move over big boys, Levice is the numero uno dog in this catfight.

In the close season, awards after awards were bestowed upon me and my boys. Manager of the Year? Naturally. Team of the season? Who else could it be? Outstanding sporting performance in the Levice region? That editor is still holding his grudge, and it shows.

After breaking history with the 7th Cup win, I asked Town Mayor Štefan Mišák for a second annual Kalman Kittenberger Day. The first one had been justly merited, but now I felt I deserved even more recognition. The selfish bastard refused my request, but after I threatened to resign as manager and go and manage someone else, he agreed to build a monument in my honour in the local park.

Using social media to accept design proposals was with hindsight a mistake. Nine out of every ten entries resembled a phallus in some shape or form. Some were very crude designs using Paint, they hadn't even put in the effort to download Photoshop. Others had very obviously been taken from the internet, as if someone had childishly googled 'Penis shaped monument' and sent in anything they found.

My design, a simple golden statue carved to show me standing tall, holding a trophy aloft as townspeople looked on in wonder, was not chosen. The winning design is a slightly boring square design, just phallic enough to keep the plebs giggling but resplendent enough for me to bask in its presence.

A minority of jealous individuals have dirtied the monument with very rude, not to mention inaccurate, graffiti, and the town has been forced to hire two permanent armed bodyguards to defend it against the schoolchildren. I really would have resigned over that too, it was not an empty threat. I am pleased to report that since their arrival, crime in this area is down 100%, an achievement that I will remember to bookmark if I ever decide to run for government.

I still have plans on that second Kalman Kittenberger Day, but I will win a few more trophies before putting that to the Mayor again.

 

[Gulliball]

Life is never simple. One day you are the quite literally the man with a monument, the next day you are metaphorically the bit with the pigeon.

In my case, it was less than 24 hours from pride, watching those two armed men defend my honour, to my fall.

The drama unfolded at the SFZ End of Season Awards Piss Up. To this day I maintain that naming it that encourages lewd behaviour, but it's their call. As Manager of the Year, I had to give a speech when accepting the trophy. As I stood before my lesser talented rivals, assorted big wigs and media people, I felt the urge to gloat in their collective faces.

For twenty five minutes they had to sit and listen as I told them exactly who the dominant force in Slovak football was, and reminded them that the evil Slovan backed corrupt machinery had been defeated. I then recited to them, in full, a story my brother-in law had once told me. There was no real purpose to this, but it was a very boring story and I wanted the people I hate the most to have to hear it too.

I then went through each one of my squad one by one. These men, I told them, will stand strong in the face of your fascist organisation. They will stand tall against the underhand defamation in the corrupt media, whatever you throw at them, I let them know. We are a family, we are un-bloody-breakable, I stole from a TV programme I had seen the day before.

After the show a man came over to talk to me as I polished off a few more glasses of free alcohol. Right from the outset I knew that we would be enemies. Grabbing me by the throat and calling me a bastard was not a hint I could ignore.

I was about to apologise for telling the brother-in-law story, but it turned out he had taken offense to the impression I had done of our Chinese striker Mei Yong. In the cold light of day, without the alcohol flowing through my veins, there is very little defence you can give in the year 2033 in a civilised society to a grown man doing the slitty eyes thing whilst pretending his centre forward is working in a Chinese restaurant. In my defence though, we're paying him £45k a week and he's not coming up to scratch. Does that justify my actions? There is only one man who can judge that, and the magistrate in question ordered me to do 40 hours community service.

Back to this guy, and with the affects of the alcohol in my system, I reacted angrily to his grabbing of my throat. Reasonable adults should not roll around on the ground fighting, but he was not a reasonable adult, which excused my own behaviour somewhat.

Eventually we were separated. As four men struggled to hold him back he looked into my eyes and shouted "Kittenberger, you are dead. I will find everything in this world that you care about and I will crush it. Every sinew of my being will be devoted to making your life a sad, lonely misery, until you are left alone, with nothing left to live for and no hope in your heart". I called him a wanker.

In the coming days it was one media shitstorm after another. Telling that story from my brother-in-law to the entire sports media of Slovakia was a big mistake - now they all had it in for me.

I was charged by the SFZ for racial offenses. What a joke - I only picked on him because he's shit. His ethnicity was just a simple thing to use to make fun of him.

In light of my previous charges, specifically the racial and sexual ones, the SFZ threw the book at me. One angry Chinese man in the street also threw a book at me, fortunately they're very gadget orientated chaps these Asians and it was a Kindle in a leather case, so it didn't hurt that much.

Levice were placed under a 12 month transfer embargo on new signings. I knew it was designed to give Slovan a chance to catch up to us, but what can you do when fighting against such crooked authorities?

The Mayor then announced that in light of the Chinese presence in Levice, Kalman Kittenberger Day was no more. It was the act of a coward. There's only four of them, all from the same family, he should have just said 'fuck them, let's let all the thousands of people celebrate in the streets and ignore this minority', but he didn't. I had gone from the verge of having two Days to now having none, just like any commoner in the street.

Then came more drama. James Leacock, a multi-billionaire Irishman, had bought AS Trencin. It was announced in the media to huge fanfare, almost as if someone was behind the scenes pulling all the strings. In his first media interview he said that he had decided to invest in Slovak football as a 'Personal Mission'. He had chosen Trencin because they had just finished 2nd, and therefore represented the best bet to 'halt the poison that is flowing through Slovak football'.

No sooner had I thought to myself that the subconscious feeling that he was my enemy was one that I had experienced before, did I realise where I knew him from.

James Leacock is the man I punched, who swore to crush everything I had ever cared about. He turned out to be a multi-billionaire and is pledging to spend whatever is necessary to end my Levice Empire before it is even established. I mean, come on, what are the chances of that?


I have been asked to clarify that 'End of Season Awards Piss Up' is an unofficial title and does not reflect the views of the SFZ, their sponsors or subsidiary organisations.

 

[Gulliball]

Transfer plans for the summer were put on hold whilst we appealed the transfer embargo. My best court appearance suit got another airing, but it was hardly worth it as the appeal was rejected in minutes. I commented to the gathered media that I was not surprised, as the whole committee were wearing brand new matching Rolex watches. When pushed for further comments I said that I hoped he had paid the import tax properly when they came over from Ireland. I received a letter soon afterwards informing me that the SFZ committee plan to pursue legal action against me, as apparently this slander questioned their integrity and has the potential to damage their reputation. I sent them back their letter with £2.75 in coins and a note inviting them to 'keep the change'. As long as the thieving post office workers don't snatch it en-route then that should end that.

We appealed to higher powers, if only to see if what would happen. It turns out that Mr Leacock really is made of watches and we were not allowed to bring in any new faces. It also meant that I wasn't allowed to sell my Chinese £45k a week striker Mei Yong, who wanted out after my highly public and offensive impression of him, but I am sure between us we have enough professionalism to get through the season together.

We at least were allowed to give players away, so the young lad who makes my morning tea with far too much milk, despite repeated two-week fines, was allowed to leave for Presov. The only other departure was his replacement, another young lad with potential on the pitch, but lacking the all round qualities to make it to the top. He requested a loan move away as he said he was no longer able to afford the fines. In my mind, any player who ignores repeated instructions deserves the boot, regardless on whether it in front of goal or in front of the kettle, so he was allowed to leave. Unless he improves whilst stepping down to Banksa Bystrica then his move down to the smaller teams will become a permanent one.

That summer was so boring that I was very grateful for the start of the new season. We kicked things off in Europe with an 18-0 aggregate win over Racing FC. I was criticised in the media for leaving the home leg midway through the first half, but if you're bored, you're bored. I hadn't paid to get in so had no incentive to stay till the end. Sligo Rovers (4-1) and APOEL (8-3) were also no great challenge as we reached the group stages at a canter.

Celtic, who had beaten us last year, beat us home and away. Fortunately Liverpool aren't much cop and we beat them twice. It came down to us and Lyon. We beat them 4-1 in France and so only needed to avoid defeat by 3 goals to make the knock-out stages of the Champions League for the first time. 4-0 to the good at half time, I told the boys to show a little complacency and allow a few mistakes to creep in.

I am joking of course. I had gone home before the half time whistle, but presumably my assistant said something similar as we set a record for being the first side to be winning 4-0 at half time and lose 5-4. You don't get a trophy but do get a bit of media coverage. It was typical of my run of luck - even when we're achieving never before seen heights in Slovak football, we still get negative headlines. It's definitely a conspiracy.

We faced Athletico Madrid in the first knock-out round, and were amongst the first of these sides to be knocked out. We lost the away leg 4-5, making more history as the first side to lose successive Champions League games 4-5, and then lost the home leg by an identical margin, but in the slightly less interesting fashion of 0-1. A very nice little run and some money in the bank.

In the Slovak Cup, we sauntered through the rounds without breaking sweat until the semi-final draw was made. We were up against our new arch-rivals Trencin for a place in the final against minnows Liptovsky Mikulas. Drawn away in the first leg, we received a frosty reception at the shitheap (that may not be their official name for it), in fact it was downright artic. If you have the money to throw at it, then you can afford things like paid stooges that had been positioned to glare as us wherever we went. Now this was water off a duck's back to me personally, but for the lads in the dressing room who were not universally despised, this was a real eye-opener.

Fortunately cream always rises to the top and we came out 2-0 victors. In the home leg I tried to return a few of their tricks by getting a few of our uglier supporters to stand outside the player's entrance as they arrived. That, combined with our far superior team, resulted in another 2-0 victory and passage through to the final, which was a simple 3-1 win for another piece of silverware.

Our League form suffered somewhat due to the European exploits and pressure of fighting off the biased media. Michalovce ran us close, finishing with 66 points, but we held on to finish with 71 points and a record of P33 W21 D8 L4. This was a fourth title in a row and very pleasing given all the off-field battles we have had to fight.

Trencin Watch

See what I did there, the bribing bastards. Over at the shitheap, 15 new players arrived, at a total cost of over £7.5m. Their wage bill more than doubled in the space of 5 weeks, which was exactly what I was afraid of. Mr Leacock was serious in his ambition to destroy my Levician Empire, no matter what the cost. They had finished in a dismal third place, 15 points behind us, but I sensed that more was to come. The SFZ website banner had been updated from Kosice celebrating their 2029 title win, to one of Trencin vs Slovan Bratislava in a league game. Slovan may not be golden boys any more, but they clearly have a new top dog to hang their hats on.

Season Overview 2033/34

League Finish: 1st (71 points)
Cup: Winners
CL: 1st Knock-Out Round

0 players in, total spent £0
1 player out, total received £0

Cheating wankers, but we still won the league.

 

[Gulliball]

When the transfer embargo ended, the queue of players outside my office was so long that I had to send one of the youth teamers round to Tesco to borrow their deli counter's ticketing system.

Once I had seen to them, I could then move onto the decent players in my squad who I had to move on to bring in a bit of cash. It was now 2 years since we had taken in a decent transfer fee - the CL money was keeping us ticking over, but to keep funding improvements to the infrastructure and to keep the bank balance looking healthy, the plumpest of my little piggies had to be sent to market.

Mei Yong was first for the firing squad. History will not be kind to him. An £8.5m signing for £45k per week, about 5 times what most other players get paid, he did not score the shitload of goals that I was hoping for. 41 in 78 was not awful, but was no better than you would expect for someone in such a dominant team. Nor did the three shirts we sold to China help us to raise our international status. Nor was the transfer embargo, fines and general damage to our reputation after I racially abused him, of any benefit to the Club. Fortunately when I write my own autobiography I am going to pretend he did not exist, and can only hope the rest of the reviews are as kind. He brought in £1.4m, a huge loss, but at least we no longer had to pay him the £45k a week that he was used to.

Igor Pokrivac, a £5m signing from the same window, proved more successful, going to Leverkusen for £15m + 25% of his next fee. In time, I want these sell on clauses to be a profitable source of income in their own right. I was sad to see Jasmin Bakula go - he was the 15 year old right back that I beat Man Utd to and went right into my first team. 91 appearances later he was now old enough to drink and would soon go on to outgrow us, so he went to Sporting Lisbon for £10m + 50% of his next fee, the plan there is that he is so good he will outgrow them too before long and we're in line for another big pay day from him. Other ageing players, or those on the higher end of the wage spectrum were also sold, bringing in fees like £1.8m, £1.7m, £1.1m and others, which all add up.

From the £30m plus raised, I allowed myself to spend half on the squad, and bank the rest. I brought in a goalkeeper for £2.6m, and then another goalkeeper for £5.5m. Hopefully I will be able to move one of them on quietly before they realise that this was forgetfulness, rather than squad planning, that saw them both arrive. We needed a rock at the back, so £4m was spent on a 21 year old ready made Croatian rock. I spent £3.2m on a new striker from Paraguay, who Marek told me could be a superstar, and he will replace Mei Yong. Finally a few other youngsters were brought in for £1m, £400k, £375k and the like - squad fillers for now, and profit makers in 2-3 seasons time if they develop as expected. I spent £19m, but brought in 3 ready made starters, re-filled my assembly line of kids to sell on, and reduced the wage bill by quite a lot, so all in all a good summer's work. Excitement in the ground was high for the first game of the season.

The Champions League group stages now are pretty much a given. In the play-off leg to decide who reached the groups, we beat Czech neighbours Plzen 10-4 on aggregate. This was after previous 11-1 and 7-1 wins. Goal bonuses have overtaken blackmail payments as a yearly expenditure.

Celtic, Lyon and Benfica were our opponents. I swear we get Celtic and Lyon every bloody year, but at least it's not Man Utd and Barcelona. It was proof of our progress that we picked up 4 wins and a draw to top the group.

In the first knockout stage of Europe we were drawn against Chelsea. A 1-2 defeat in England and a 1-1 draw at home saw us knocked out, but we had held our own against the very best.

The lowpoint of our season was the Slovak Cup semi finals. We were 3-2 up from the first leg, and at home in the second leg. I had taken my eye off the ball somewhat planning a cheeky fortnight in Marbella before the final. The next time I did see that ball, it was in the back of our net 4 times as we had to endure a 6-5 aggregate defeat and those Slovan bastards celebrating on our pitch. Turning the sprinklers on was only a slight victory during a very painful day. I had a new Trencin shaped enemy to watch over without Slovan rising from the dead.

The league was already sewn up by the time this happened. After losing in August to Trnava we kept rollin' rolllin' rollin' towards glory. From 33 games we had 27 wins, 5 draws and 1 defeat. We were dominant.

Trencin Watch

They brought in 9 players for £13.2m, despite raising only £1.2m to balance it. Their 2nd place and 70 points was 16 points clear of third place - we are now in a two horse race, although we're still red rum and they're one of the ones that always falls over in Totopoly.

Season Overview 2034/35

League Finish: 1st (86 points) New High
Cup: Semi-Finals
CL: 1st Knock-Out Round

9 players in, total spent £19.09m
11 players out, total received £32.28m

 

[Gulliball]

I took some joy in the fact that I had forced that Irish hoodlum to spend over £20m in transfer fees alone, without any success to show for it. But I was soon to realise that you don't become a Potato Magnet without having a few dirty tricks up your sleeve.

It started with some prank calls. Then skinheads started hanging around the town intimidating anyone who passed. The Lion Girls, who many claim are responsible for our power, were charged with gross indecency. At the Kangaroo court, they were ordered to cover up or face the consequences. After some initial brave resistance, it only took one to get done over and the fear spread within the group. Once they started performing in trackie bottoms and hoodies, crowds fell by 35%. It was a big blow, both to our gate receipts and my pride. I had given them League titles, cup wins and magical European nights, but take away the Lion Girl costumes and no-one wants to know any more.

I will credit Svetlana for continuing to turn up, even in her neck brace. She showed us all the sense of pride, fight and defiance that we would need to stand up to this Trencin backed campaign of bribery, intimidation and corruption.

Determined to carry on as we were, I set about funding our squad. Rasmus Thrane, a 21 year old Danish defensive midfielder, was attracting interest. A £1m signing aged 18, he was now worth £12.75m + 25% of his next fee to PSV. Gasper Lenic, a Slovenian left back, went to Celtic for £9.5m + 50%. They were the only first teamers ready for the exit door, but I had a few squad players to sell on and managed to pick up fees like £5m, £4m, £1.9m... for players who weren't going to offer much to us. The bank balance was sitting at a very healthy £50m and growing steadily each year despite the ever increasing wage bill and building costs as we grew bigger each year.

I signed 5 players on free transfers. They'll be largely squad fillers, and in a few years time can be sold to keep the money roundabout spinning around baby, right round baby right round.

Three players came in to actually improve us. A £7m 6 foot 7 centre back monster came in from Basel, and then £5m on a new left back and £4.5m on a defensive midfielder to replace the ones who left. The squad was stronger, and we'd made another £15m profit to fund the wage bill.

Slovan had won the Cup, meaning that we had to face them again in the Super Cup curtain raiser. I told the boys that if we lost they would all be transfer listed, and they responded to my motivational methods with a 2-0 win. Revenge, another trophy and I could show my face in public again.

13-0, 8-1 and 4-1 wins put us into a group stage draw of Real Madrid, PSV and Cluj.

I was very proud that once again we picked up 4 wins and a draw to top the group. However, once again we did not get a kind draw in the knockout round. Once again, we put up a brave fight against the very best in Europe, only to once again lose by a single goal. In the cold light of day it was encouraging to see us once again hold our own against the biggest and free-spendingist sides in Europe, but that night I was once again crying myself to sleep that we could not take the next step.

In the Slovak Cup we drew Slovan in the quarter finals, and I did not allow complacency to creep in. I promised everyone an under-the-counter, behind-the-wife's-back, Lion-Girl-backed, payment-in-kind bonus for every goal we humped them by. The 10-1 win was hugely satisfying, and not only because I included myself in this deal, but because I gained valuable insight into exactly how my bunch-of-deviants squad could be motivated.

Unfortunately I took the final against Senica for granted, and we failed to turn up. Another trophy thrown away, which was incredibly frustrating after all that hard work to get there.

The league was a battle right to the finish. Trencin were buying whatever they could, Slovan were back in Europe and still the golden boys of the established eltite, and Senica and others were capable of beating the top teams on their day. From our 33 games we won 24, drew 4 and lost 5. This gave us 76 points, 10 down on the year before, which meant we only finished two points clear of Trencin. They had spent £17m and only received £600k in their shameless attempt to knock me off my perch. It went to the last day, but my lads showed them who is still the top dog. Nevertheless, with a £10.5m forward on £65k per week they will need to be watched. The more we knock Leacock down a few pegs, the more he spends in pursuit of his ambitions. This is war.

Season Overview 2035/36

League Finish: 1st (76 points)
Cup: Finalists
CL: 1st Knock-Out Round
Super Cup Winners

7 players in, total spent £16.5m
9 players out, total received £35.25m

 

[Gulliball]

That summer I did not allow ourselves to get carried away chasing the dream. We have a very good first XI that can develop into something special, all I have to do is sit back and let that happen. An 18 year old keeper came in for £300k - he's already good enough to be our number two and Marek has tipped him to become a world class 'keeper in the future. A 16 year old Danish striker was also added for £800k and a young Argentinian defensive midfielder for £350k, plus three free transfers.

With the conveyer belt stocked up, I was able to shift on a few squad players. No-one in the starting line-up was sold, and over £16m was raised. This meant that finally work was done on the ground, repairing the damage caused by the explosion I had planned to act as a diversion should we not have been promoted to the top tier in 2020 in order to escape from ultras who wanted my blood but which was not ultimately needed because we won promotion anyway and all the damage I caused was meaningless but how was I to know that at the time???

Levice stadium is far from perfect, but is now all seated and will soon be capable of hosting European games rather than having to tour the country and share our profits with Bratislava.

Every time we lost out in the Cup, I was very proud of how we always took revenge in the Super Cup. This year was no exception as we beat Senica 2-0 to secure a record 8th Super Cup win.

However, this year I was determined not to slip up in the Cup. We had a kind draw, but my patented blend of threats and promises of Lion Girl handjobs was enough to keep our minds focussed and secure a 9th Cup win.

Our quest to European glory now began one round later, at the third qualifying stage. This was a boost to my summer holiday and also to the goal bonuses expenditure. We defeated Skonto 9-2 and then Zeljeznicar 4-1 to make the group stages, where we would face Tottenham, Porto and Rapid Vienna.

I was very proud to once again top our group in Europe, once again with a record of 4 wins and one draw. I was determined that I would not once again cry myself to sleep after losing by a single goal to a European giant. We faced Valencia, a team I fancied we could beat to reach the quarter-finals for the first time. However, it was not to be. Once again we fought valiantly, but lost narrowly to a bigger team from a bigger country and once again I was left to contemplate how to break this glass ceiling that we had found ourselves stuck underneath.

In the League I was not comfortable with how close Trencin were. Every time we pulled a few points clear of them, they would get a few dodgy penalties and put a run together until the gap was closed. A few media outlets picked up on this, but one by one they all changed hands and soon all you could hear was silence.

After a 4-1 defeat to Trencin (two penalties and a red card for our goalkeeper) we were neck and neck. 7 games remained and it was anyone's for the taking.

My boys are made of strong stuff, however, and I knew they would not crumble. The handjob allowance was raised from 2 to 3 per person per week, and they were racing around like madmen giving it their all for the cause.

We pulled three points clear and held onto that lead, to finish with a record of P33 W24 D7 L2. Trencin were three points back and Slovan a further 16 points adrift. Trencin had spent another £12m last summer, and now had the biggest wage bill in the division. Financially we were underdogs, but were still the biggest fish in the pond and securing trophy after trophy to our anchor whilst they floundered their way to second place.

Season Overview 2036/37

League Finish: 1st (79 points)
Cup: Winners
CL: 1st Knock-Out Round
Super Cup Winners

6 players in, total spent £1.45m
4 players out, total received £16.81m

 

[Gulliball]

That summer I was faced with a big dilemma. We were top dogs domestically, financially sound for the future and had a structure in place that allowed us to regularly compete with the very best in Europe. But for three years in a row we had fallen at the exact same stage, with the exact same record.

I was determined to crack this glass ceiling, but should this be a gradual thing as my young squad developed, or should I throw the cash I had built up over all these years at it, and try to shatter it with its weight? Recent attempts to spend big had not been entirely successful, but if I kept on selling my gems then I would get richer and richer, but continue to fall in the knock-out rounds against the big hitters.

This was definitely a two line problem, but before I could get my credit card back out, I heard some ground-breaking news: Trencin were moving to a new home. Not work was soon to begin on a new stadium, but work is finished and the keys are being handed over.

This raised several new questions for me to ponder. Not least how the fuck do you build something that size without anybody knowing about it?

Leacock's underhand control of the news media was obviously behind this, and we had been caught off guard. The egotistical bastard had even named the ground after himself. Can you adam and eve that? To go with this shiny new ground were top of the range corporate, training and youth facilities - we were no longer facing a team with a bit of cash behind them, we were going toe-to-toe with an evil man determined to build an empire in Trencin and crush me in the process.

Domestically things are now going to be much harder. They have also just spent another £11m on new players despite not yet selling anyone of any note. We will have to fight for every league and cup win, not just take them for granted, and that is before we try to break our European jinx.

To be honest, I am starting to regret punching James Leacock. Without him in the picture, things would be much simpler, but God has seen fit to set me a tougher course on my obstacle course to glory. Well never mind that, I will enjoy my second line, and then get Marek on the blower as we formulate the plan for how to shit on Trencin and shatter the glass ceiling.

When all is said and done, I am still facing the same dilemma. Do I keep going as we are and build gradually, or try to spend our way out of our rut? Decisions, decisions, decisions...

 

[Gulliball]

I thought long and hard about that decision. So long and so hard in fact that it became clear to me just what I had to do. He had made this personal when he bought Trencin, and had now started building monuments to himself. Well, I had to show him that mine is bigger.

Admittedly, The Leacock Arena might currently be in better condition than our own home, which is why I am going to save up some cash and badger the chairman until he gives me the Kittenberger Arena. We win more, score more and entertain more than them, and I will not let this little man and his Napoleon complex interrupt my plans. As soon as possible I want to walk up to him, slap my Kittenberger Arena across his face and show him who's the daddy.

With this in mind, fundraising had to be done. My starting striker was starting to demand more money than a fundraising-for-a-new-stadium-named-after-himself-in-order-to-prove-his-masculinity manager was willing to pay. He went to Sporting Lisbon for £12.5m + 50%, again working on the principle that a big club would soon snap him up for his true value and not his Slovak League value.

My geniusness in this area had only the week before been proven beyond all doubt. Remember this little fella?

Now remember this little prediction...

"I was sad to see Jasmin Bakula go - he was the 15 year old right back that I beat Man Utd to and went right into my first team. 91 appearances later he was now old enough to drink and would soon go on to outgrow us, so he went to Sporting Lisbon for £10m + 50% of his next fee, the plan there is that he is so good he will outgrow them too before long and we're in line for another big pay day from him."

Well, two years later and oil-rich Frenchmen PSG snapped him up for £30.5m. That's £15.25m winging its way into the Levice bank account, on top of the £10m we've already received for selling him originally. I did briefly play about with the idea of commissioning a statue of Marek at the new stadium when it gets built, but ultimately the buck stops at my head, and whilst he may have played his part in scouting the Bosnian youth leagues for new full backs, it took a brave man to look at his suggestion and say "go on then", and that's why I'll be the one with the statue.

Sporting Lisbon have used £12.5m of their half of the fee to purchase the next of my superstars on the same 50% terms. This has the potential to be lucrative.

On top of this, we also moved on a few squad players for vastly over-hyped sums of money (£5.5m, £5.25m, £5.25m...). We're only one centre forward down but after £30m of sales and the Bakula money, are now £45m richer.

I toyed with the notion of replacing Cabral (the striker I just sold), but decided that instead Marek Petrus should be promoted to strikero numero uno (that's number one striker for the non-Spanish speakers). Petrus had been signed from Trencin as a 19 year old, before I punched a man at an awards night, turned him into my nemesis and he started bankrolling them:

"Marek Petrus came in for £600k - he had just scored 19 in 26 for Trencin in the 1st Division and is only 19 years old. His pace will get him into good positions and he has plenty of time to develop the rest of his game."

Well, fear not, he had developed the rest of his game. In fact Petrus had matured like a fine wine, getting better with age. He was now 27 and could be relied upon to get me a goal when needed. Now he would be the main man and would be getting 30+ starts a season, and not just because I don't want to spend money, but also because I think he can step up.

We brought in a central midfielder for £500k, a 17 year old defender for £250k and a 16 year old Czech for £44k. Three other youngsters also came in on free transfers to replace the squad players I had sold for huge money.

Basking in cash, only one key player down and everybody else one year older, I was ready to for the season to begin.

As league and cup winners, there was no Super Cup this year, so it was right into Europe. Rabotnicki (8-1) and CSKA (a little too close for comfort 3-2) were seen off, as we entered a group stage of Bayern Munich, Benfica and Dinamo. I was very relieved to end that run of 4 wins, 1 draw and a defeat to top the group by winning 4, drawing 2 and losing 0 to top the group. This was progress, and a sure sign that we were due to break our jinx.

We drew Arsenal in the first knock-out round. I cheered the draw - if you could pick any team to draw in the first knock-out round it would be Arsenal. Arsene Wenger, now aged 88, is yet to get them beyond this stage since 2009/10, and swears that he will not retire until he reaches at least a quarter-final. Well, join the queue brother, I want that sacred quarter-final measuring stick too.

We went to London for the first leg. I didn't think it was worth paying for a hotel, it was only Arsenal after all, so we travelled over on the day. Before we knew it, we had fallen to a 5-2 defeat and the dream was over for another year. Once again, losing at the first knock-out round.

Some idiots in the media chose to stick the blame on me for a supposed lack of professionalism. In my defence I thought that it was fate - we had been given the golden draw, Arsenal, and could not fail to get past them and into the quarter-finals. I will hold my hands up and admit that I should not have let my players get away with such an abject performance.

To be honest for the home leg I was contemplating hiding in the bush again. Losing to Petrzalka is one thing, but Arsenal? I went into the dressing room before the game and tore a strip off them. I threw teacups against the wall, kicked stray boots at anyone stupid enough to sit still while I was kicking boots around, and swore like a docker.

It had the desired effect. All ye of little faith. I have many faults as a manager, but I have never lost to Arsenal (over two legs, as we did lose the first leg quite heavily). It was slightly closer than I had hoped for, but my players have always given the fans value for money.

But wait, 'Who is 92nd minute winner, hero of the day, Peter Sabo?' I can hear you say to yourself...

"Marek Petrus came in for £600k - he had just scored 19 in 26 for Trencin in the 1st Division and is only 19 years old. His pace will get him into good positions and he has plenty of time to develop the rest of his game. Peter Sabo came in from Dubnica for £16.75k - he is 17 and very raw but with the potential to be a very good player. For that price it was a no brainer."

A no brainer indeed. A £16.75k signing as a 17 year old - now 25 and headlining alongside Marek Petrus after the manager sold the previous main guy for £12.5m and promoted them both to main eventers. 'That man must have balls the size of melons' I can hear you ponder quietly to yourself, and yes, I do have a medical condition that led to really quite nasty bullying in the showers as a teenager, not that I have let it affect me.

By the time Athletico Madrid came to town we were walking on air, and quite literally unbeatable. After this high we did lose three in a row, but they were all moral victories in their own way. Firstly the 1-0 defeat in Spain was enough for a 3-2 aggregate win, and then the two defeats to Man City were in the semi-finals of the Champions League. The last four. Of the Champions League. Levice. Definite moral victory. Jinx smashed, thank-you Arsenal.

In the Slovak Cup, I was forced to pretend that I still cared. Once Trencin had been beaten in the quarter-finals, then really... Senica and Trvana... I was used to playing Manchester City. We really should have some sort of stunt double to take care of these games for us. It was a 10th Cup win - a nice landmark, but really, if they stopped giving out champagne for the winners then I would consider stopping entering every year.

In the league, we finished with 81 points after 25 wins, 6 draws and 2 defeats. That's always going to be enough to win you the league, no matter how many players you buy and how large a penis extension you are playing in. Rather comically it was Slovan who finished 2nd on 69 points and Trencin could only manage 64 to finish 3rd, so far behind us that had I bent over, broken wind and set fire to the result, the fire crews would have cleaned it up, gone home and put the kettle on long before Trencin were in any danger. I could maybe have phrased it slightly better for an official media statement, but I was trying to mock Trencin, so mission accomplished.

Season Overview 2037/38

League Finish: 1st (81 points)
Cup: Winners
CL: Semi-Finalists

6 players in, total spent £794k
7 players out, total received £29.6m

 

[Gulliball]

This victory turned out to be no less than an 11th League title win. Why is that important? Well, Slovan have won 10. This took us ahead of them as the most decorated side in Slovak football history - most League wins, most Cup wins, most Super Cup wins, the furthest ever in Europe... we are simply the best.

By we, I actually also mean me. This kind of record breaking does not go unnoticed.

Best. Slovak. Manager. Ever.

I feel that this is a suitable enough landmark to sing the Club Hymm as I induct the heroic, history making XI into the Hall of Fame...

Come on, you all know the words...

Goalkeeper

Jhon Chavez, 20 years old, Columbian.
Signed for £300k aged 18 and in a few years will be the best in the world Marek tells me.

Right Back

Elvis Fink, 24 years old, Slovenian.
Signed for £5m aged 20 when he was already a great player and only going to get better.

Left Back

Gaetan Antona, 23 years old, Belgian.
Signed for free aged 22 and well worth the money.

Centre Back

Dinko Gavranovic, 27 years old, Croatian.
Signed for £4m aged 23 and a rock at the back.

Centre Back

Saul Soriano, 29 years old, Spanish.
Signed for £400k aged 21 and has been a squad player for years but is now getting games after selling a few others. Will be replaced soon.

Defensive Midfielder

Andrew Johnson, 22 years old, French.
On a season long loan, paying half his wages, which delayed having to buy a first team DM for another year.

Central Midfielder

Kevin Suarez, 22 years old, Argentinian.
Signed for free aged 21 so can only make a profit.

Central Midfielder

Milan Benes, 26 years old, Czech.
Signed for £500k aged 24, which I think is a bargain.

Attacking Midfielder

Roman Gryschuk, 29 years old, Ukranian.
Signed for £2m aged 21 and over the years has been Mr Value-For-Money to the extent that he really should change his name via deed poll.

Striker

Peter Sabo, 25 years old, Slovak.
Signed for £16.75k aged 17 and is now a man. A man who can score goals.

Striker

Marek Petrus, 27 years old, Slovak.
Signed for £600k aged 19 and has matured like a fine wine, if you'll allow me to make that joke again. I certainly don't have two wine jokes in my locker.

These are the men who have smashed the glass ceiling, and I hope will lead me to further glory in the very near future. The chairman has rejected my request for a new stadium as he doesn't feel it will have financial benefits, but in my heart I know the Kittenberger Arena is not far away. He is very fond of his children and I know a few rogues who are not above a bit of kidnapping.

 

[Gulliball]

Whilst I was on holiday, Marek was out scouting around the world. Well, Belgium, Holland and Slovakia. 12 new players came in, representing a real step up in quality. We have a heap of money in the bank, the Chairman won't build me a new stadium, the other facilities are already top notch, there's nothing else to spend it on and I'm not getting any younger. It's now or never if we're going to spend this money.

We also had to keep ahead of Trencin, who spent another £10m+ on their army of mercenaries.

In terms of transfer fees, 9 players came in either for free or under £100k. But one guy demanded £55k per week to complete his bosman switch from Athletico Madrid, and I could not resist the temptation to show that we are a big club who can take players away from global giants. He instantly became the highest paid player in Levice history, eclipsing even that Chinese guy. To match this, I spent £2m, £2m and £1.7m on three squad players, on peanuts for wages, to complete the squad. A few high earners who were no longer first choice left, as I wasn't going to pay them to sit around.

With the existing squad who reached the CL semi-finals, no first team players leaving, the big wage new arrivals and a few squad players, I was confident about competing on all fronts this season. So confident in fact that before the first game of the season I decided I wasn't going to put up with listening to any more shit about how good Trencin are. "£50m and won fuck all", I mocked, although the Leacock owned media toned it down when they printed my comments.

Winning 5-1 really helped me get the smug, patronising tone right for the post-match interview. They didn't even print that.

In Europe, I was encouraged to go undefeated again. We re-enforced our dominance over Athletico by knocking them out of the competition and cruising into the knockout stages.

The Slovak Cup was, as quite often happened, a grudge battle between ourselves, Trencin and Slovan. In a knock-out competition it only takes one bad game and those twats get some bragging rights.

Fortunately though, my boys rose to the occasion. Beating Slovan and whacking Trencin 4-1 in the final makes this worth winning.

Back into Europe we beat Valencia 2-0 in the first knock-out round, and then Chelsea 7-5 in a thrilling ding-dong battle.

We had at least proven that our semi-final performance in 2038 was no fluke. Paris Saint-Germain now stood in our way. After a 2-2 draw in France, all we needed was a clean sheet, or low scoring draw to progress. We showed our famous lion-themed spirit, whilst the Frenchies surrendered. Thank god we didn't draw anyone with a backbone.

In the other semi-final Manchester City beat Barcelona 5-3. They were the side who had beaten us 3-1 last season, and had won the Champions League in both 2037 and 2038. No side had ever won three in a row, and now it was only Levice who stood in the way of them making history.

No-one in the media gave us a prayer. They brought out all their little statistics. Did you know that the entire 35 000 population of Levice could fit inside less than half of Manchester City's Etihad Stadium? Well after hearing it seven times before Monday morning, yes. “How long would it take these plastic wankers to melt in a country with actual sunshine?” I wasn't popular in Manchester after biting back at them.

I was used to handling the media being against me. Some managers would have been weighed down by the constant leaking of personal foibles, but what they didn't know is that they barely scraped the surface of what I'm really into. Very lazy journalism.

I made sure that for my players, all eyes were on the prize.

With the final at the Stade de France in Paris, we were already the unpopular side after knocking out PSG and denying them a home final. Some comments I made in the media may also have not helped the cause. In my defence, I hadn't bothered to check where the final was being played so it was not deliberate.

If they had done their homework, they would have known that playing the unpopular underdog was what I did best.

Milan Benes, a £500k signing from Juventus, scored two from midfield. He's Czech, but after this I'm not going to hold that against him any longer.

A small town team from Slovakia when I took over, and after 25 years of bushes, boycotts, coins, protests, brothels, tears, bans, prisons and silverware, we were the Champions of Europe.

I was now officially a 'Legend' in the eyes of club officials. Personal disputes and bitterness had prevented it in the past, but this was too big to ignore. Even the Leacock owned Slovak media were forced to mention the win on page 12.

Completing the perfect season, we added a 9th straight league title. It was tighter than recent years - Slovan and Trencin both finished on 72 points, and us 77 - but we competed on three fronts, and it was a magnificent treble.

Season Overview 2038/39

League: 1st (77 points)
Cup: Winners
CL: Winners

12 players in, total spent £5.81m
9 players out, total received £19.95m

 

[Gulliball]

Whilst the story of the successful underdog had gone down well around the world, in Slovakia the feeling was mixed. Some people were happy that a Slovak team were top dogs in Europe, whilst petty jealousy prevented the majority from admitting the same. Inside his evil lair in Trencin, probably stroking his white cat as he did it, James Leacock was contemplating his next move. It was now six years since he took over, and for his £69m net spend on transfer fees alone, all he had to show for it was four runners-up places, which was the position Trencin had been in when he arrived. Since that fateful evening when he swore to crush all my dreams, I had six league titles, four cups, two super cups and a Champions League.

He had thrown his money at me, and I had swatted him away for four with my cock. But whilst the umpire was still signalling it, he was getting ready for throw even more at me.

That summer, over £30m was spent, making it more than than £120m since he took over. Just as I was wondering to myself how much he was willing to spend to make his threats come true, someone leaked the wage bills of the entire division. Now my £31.42m per year (£604k per week) was a lot, especially when you see that the next highest spend was Slovan with £2.59m (£49.8k per week). We may be spending 12 times a week what the next highest were splashing out, but it had all been earned from the production line of talents and revenues from the Champions League.

I nearly spat my tea out when I saw how much Trencin were spending now. I say nearly because it was an imported PG Tips bag, and they're too hard to get hold of to waste spitting it out over the Trencin wage bill, but don't let that take anything away from the shock of discovering just how much it was.

£59.26 million per year, or £1.14m per week, was the price Mr Leacock was now paying, so desperate was he to break my stranglehold on Slovak football at all costs. If he digs any deeper into his pocket he'll be fondling his balls, the dirty pervert.

My mind was immediately drawn back to the last time these figures had been leaked, way back in 2023. 16 years ago Levice were new to the top flight of Slovak football, and were the minnows of the division. Back then our wage bill was £234 000 a year, or £4 500 a week, whilst Trencin were, quite literally, not in our league.

“Money wise, we are still the smallest fish in the park, but the gap is closing. We're not the minnows we once were, more of a small mackerel. The dream is that if we can keep our fins on the ground and don't run before we can walk, in 12 months’ time we could be a herring. Nothing flashy but something that the SFZ will have to buy a bigger tank to keep domestically.

The published figures pretty much back all of that up. £234 000 a year, or £4 500 a week is right in mackerel territory, but in my opinion anything up to Kosice (halibuts in my eyes) are catchable if we swim fast enough.”

Looking back at that, Levice are now whales. We've smashed the original tank, and taken everyone else with us to the ocean. The lowest spenders of 2039 are spending more in wages than the highest spenders of 2023.

As the game changers, we are now there to be shot at. Mr Leacock might want to make this a two fish race, but we will be ready for his band of mercenary sharks. If their £88k a week striker is twice as good as the Chinese guy we had then he'll still only be good enough to get his head half way out of my centre half's pocket.

 

[Gulliball]

Well after winning the Champions League, the first team clearly didn't need any work. 9 players came in, mainly teenagers with a few squad players as well - no one to disrupt the first XI. A few squad players went out to keep the production line moving and the money rolling in.

I spent most of the summer on the beach. I am European Champion, a special one. Work is for the people chasing us.

With hindsight maybe I should have kept a tighter grip on things. It was two weeks into the League season before I returned from the Carribean - I figured Marek could handle the Slovak League with the treble winners I had left him.

After a 1-0 defeat to Trencin at the Leacock Arena (dodgy penalty, bent ref), we had 8 points from a possible 21. Trencin had 21 and were racing away from us.

Teacups were thrown, Marek was banned from all first team contact and the new tea lady was suspended whilst I investigated if she was a jinx. One youth teamer chose the wrong week to get caught drinking.

I don't care if it was a first offence, he got sacked on the spot. I then hired him back so that I could sack him again in front of everyone. I did try for the hat-trick but he didn't come back again. Still, I think they got the message, and our form soon picked up.

In the European Super Cup Final we faced Lyon. With rockets up their backsides there was no way we were going to lose to some Frenchmen, although it took a 116th minute winner for a 2-1 aet win.

In Europe, as holders we were able to just turn up at the group stages, no qualifying or anything. Rather strangely we lost twice to Danes FC Kobenhavn, but took 8 points from Tottenham and AC Milan to sneak through.

Our Christmas present was a chance to be World Champions. Pohang were beaten 4-0 in the semi final to set up a final against Internacional.

Best. In. The. World.

The less said about the Slovak Cup the better. Things started well, equalling the club record with an 11-0 win. Things ran smoothly until the final - a Levice v Trencin final was the one everybody wanted to see - but it was a fix from the start. The referee arrived on the Trencin team coach. Multi-billions go a long way.

In Europe we had a chance to take out our domestic frustrations. Portugeezers Porto and Benfica were beaten 3-0 and 6-3. In the semi finals we faced Manchester United, and once again atrocious refereeing saw us lose 3-1. Every time we lose the referee is to blame, it's disgraceful.

In the League we were unbeaten from October onwards, but Trencin only dropped 17 points all season, and we'd dropped 13 by the middle of August. It was a phenomenal run, but we finished 3 points behind Trencin - our 79 points was a very high total, but they finished on 82.

After 9 titles in a row, I wanted a history making 10th, but it was not to be. Marek really blew it for us by messing things up whilst I was on holiday. I will never make that mistake again, I promise you. Come Monday morning I will be making plans for 2040/41.

James Leacock and his media empire have been insufferable since their domestic double. £120m in transfer fees and £60m a year in wages and he's finally won something - but Levice are currently World Champions, and the best in the world.

Next season all bragging rights must be secured at all costs. Nothing else will do or else he might get a taste for winning.

Season Overview 2039/40

League: 2nd (79 points)
Cup: Runners-Up
CL: Semi-Finals

European Super Cup Winners
Club World Cup Winners

9 players in, total spent £10.88m
11 players out, total received £17.6m

 

[Gulliball]

It was a crucial moment. Our dominance had been challenged, and by a multi-billionaire for whom money was no object. 6 new mercenaries arrived in Trencin for a combined £43m. £13m on a midfielder, it was obscene. They only brought in £2m, god knows what their wage bill is now.

I brought in £40m in transfer fees. Not having a billionaire about the place, I had books to balance. Both centre halves were sent packing - I needed a scapegoat for losing the league and had two youngsters coming through, so it made perfect sense - make them scapegoats, give the youngsters a chance and make £25m in the process. The rest of the departures were just squad players.

One cracking new centre half came in on a free transfer from Dortmund, just to add some class. A new defensive midfielder was the next priority, and another 19 year old stormer came in on a free transfer, this time from Porto. A few youngsters also came in, but as it was such an important season ahead I splashed some cash for once. £5m on a new AMC from Inter Milan - lightning pace and skills to match - he was only so cheap because he had one year left on his contract. Likewise a new £6m centre forward should have been five times that. That was four new first team players for a combined £11m, and the youngsters another year older. The squad was looking good, and we had made a £23m profit on transfers.

We were back to qualifying for Europe, but fortunately Shaktar and Zenit were no match for officially the best side in the world.

With our new attacking midfielder and striker, I knew we had goals in us now. In the first three weeks we won 5-0, 8-3 and 4-0, it was beautiful to watch. In the Cup we won 10-0 and also had 6-0, 5-0 and 7-2 wins in the league before Christmas.

I wanted the Slovak Cup back. It was only a minor domestic trophy to a side that's recently been the best in the world, but Trencin were holders and that had to stop. It was a close, scrappy final against Senica, but it was one trophy returned to its rightful place, and one more to go.

Overall in the league, we scored 87 goals, 17 up on the previous year. Ivan Poroso had proven to be the bargain I had expected for only £6m - faster than Leon's sister's knickers and the finishing ability of Leon's sister when a punter comes in.

Not to be outdone, the £5m attacking midfielder was even better. 35 goals from midfield, including 25 in the league, which was one more than Poroso, and 31 assists too. For a combined £11m, they were worth 100 of Leacock's mercenaries.

We led Trencin at Christmas and managed to hold that gap right through to the finish. 81 points was about par for the recent course, but Trencin could not live with it and finished five points back on 76. The domestic double was the sweetest we had ever won, shutting Trencin and that creep Leacock back into their box for another year.

In Europe we could now relax and take it easy, everything was a bonus now that we had re-established our dominance in Slovakia. In the group stages we again drew Tottenham and Milan, and fortunately Kyiv posed us fewer problems than Kobenhavn - 5 wins, top of the group - job done.

By the time Real Madrid had been beaten 7-3, our confidence was sky high. A 5-1 win over Benfica did no harm either. Destroying these historical names instilled a belief in our lads that a small town side from Slovakia could make history. Again.

We had already beaten Tottenham four times in the last 18 months, and were soon to make it six times.

8-0 on aggregate in the semi final, have you ever seen the like? In the second leg I played the fringe players, and they matched the 4-0 win from the first leg.

I was confident going into the final. We'd beaten Real Madrid 7-3, so Valencia would be even easier.

5-1 and 8-0 wins in the quarter final and semi final were the signs of a team who already had one hand on the famous trophy.

The penalty miss was a slight concern, but I still had faith in boys.

Even when it went to extra time, I backed them to do it.

Boom. Poroso. Name. On. The. Trophy.

I liked that it was the dynamic duo who scored the two goals in the final. Their 75 goals this season had turned the League runners up, Cup runners up and Champions League semi finalists back into trebles winners. What better way to celebrate than trebles all round.

Season Overview 2040/41

League: 1st (81 points)
Cup: Winners
CL: Winners

11 players in, total spent £17.35m
11 players out, total received £40.57m

 

[Gulliball]

That summer I was a man in demand. 2040 Champions League winners Manchester United wanted me to take them back to the top of European tree.

I still had 4 years to run on the contract I had signed the previous summer, but at £850 a week, £176k in compensation was a price they were willing to pay for me.

The Chairman was begging me to stay. "There's only one thing I want, and if you give me that, I'll stay" I promised him, "otherwise I'm off".

"I'll give you £900 a week" he said, thinking I could be bought off.

I was in a personal feud with James Leacock - and his 15551 capacity penis substitute Leacock Arena towered over Levice stadium. We had done what we could with it since coming into money, but you can only polish a turd for so long until you realise it's still just a turd and you now have shit all over your sleeve.

I had given this Club the best years of my life, built up £100m in the bank, and delivered domestic, continental and worldwide success to Levice. It was the Kittenberger Arena, or I'm off to England.

The poor guy had no choice but to give in to my demands.

It will take two years to build, but with 23 499 capacity, mine will be the biggest in Slovakia. Suck on that Leacock.

With a second Champions League won, a few more players deserve to be inducted into the Levice Hall of Fame. Quite a lot remain from the last win two years ago, but these seven have either arrived since or developed from the youth team to be first team regulars.

Carmelo Avila
Right Back, 21 years old. Spanish.
Free Transfer from Barcelona, aged 19.

Victor Serrano (de Bergerac)
Centre Back, 21 years old. Spanish.
£3m from Real Madrid, aged 19.

Denny Hoffmann
Centre Back, 20 years old. German.
Free Transfer from Dortmund, aged 19.

Marian Simek
Defensive Midfielder, 20 years old. Czech.
Free Transfer from Porto, aged 19.

Oliveira
Central Midfielder, 21 years old. Brazilian.
£800k from Athletico Miniero, aged 19.

Cosimo Casamassima
Attacking Midfielder, 22 years old. Italian.
£5m from Inter Milan, aged 21.

Ivan Poroso
Striker, 22 years old. Ecuadorian.
£6m from Catania, aged 21.

Congratulations to these seven men for reaching the pinnacle of their chosen sport.

 

[Gulliball]

In the summer of 2041 I was nearly 60 years old, the new Stadium was on its way and had been paid for already, so the tens of millions in the bank were only going to sit there. Ten years ago we were desperately relying on the Champions League prize money to fund our squad, but since winning the Champions League, money has been pouring in. £2.5m for a Super Cup here, more millions for the Club World Cup, more than £9m a year in merchandising as people around the world bought into the Levice dream. Bozena in the Club shop has had to take on an assistant to cope with the demand. When I took over in 2014 we only sold 24 shirts, and 19 of those were to the first team squad, who we had to give a discount to. Now she has to send hundreds of thousands of them around the world, the poor woman never sleeps, and she was in her sixties when I took over.

Marek found a beauty of a player hidden away in Scotland, a 20 year old Dutch left winger at Celtic who had the pace and skills to become a star. A Club Record £10m was spent on him, such was the recommendation from Marek and my new carefree attitude with money. As a man who had played the 4-4-2 Diamond for 27 years, Marek pointed out that I would now need a right winger too, or else have a very lopsided formation. He found a 24 year old Italian at Juventus with a year left on his contract that was available for £5.5m. The other big signing was Carlos, a free transfer from Real Madrid, but a superstar in the making. His contract had been wound down, and on the 30th December last year I had been right in with an offer he couldn't refuse. Six months later he turned up in a crate having been shipped over from Madrid, ready to run my midfield.

In the European Super Cup we faced a tough game against Manchester United. I had knocked them back in the summer, and they were European Champions only 15 months ago. A 2-0 defeat was disappointing, but nothing really to lose sleep over.

The Club World Cup was different - this was a chance to be officially the Best In The World © again. ES Setif and River Plate stood in our way, but two 1-0 wins gave us back that title. I've started including it on the official club stationery, replying to the SFZ has never been more fun. I'm going to start advertising the fact on the side of Bratislava and Trencin buses.

109 500 fans turned up to the final, a world record. More fans had turned up to watch Levice play than any other side in the world. Those 493 fans who came to watch us play SFM Senic in July 2014 in my first match have had an incredible ride since, even if they did used to throw coins at me.

Of course Mr Leacock and his media conspiracy managed to make sure it was reported that only River Plate broke the record, not both teams in the match.

Speaking of that prick, the Slovak Cup has become interesting again, now that we're regularly drawn against Trencin, often in the final. It was a goal fest up till then, 32 goals scored in 6 games. But the 1-0 win in the final against Trencin was sweeter still.

"Fuck Off Leacock, Fuck Off Leacock" rang around the Narodny Futbalovy Stadion. Well, it certainly did in my dugout, I can't speak for the rest of the stadium.

In the League, we were on fire. With three new big money attacking midfielders, plus the two signed last year, we were scoring for fun. 86 points, with 94 goals scored and a goal difference of 74, was a new Slovak record. Trencin finished on 83 points, with third placed Slovan on 49 points in a different league completely. In a two horse race, playing each other three times a season, only losing once all season is pretty tough to beat.

With Trencin now such a credible rival, the domestic double was a fine achievement. They themselves make it into the knock-out stages of Europe on a regular basis, putting them amongst the top 10-12 teams in Europe. Money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you an Argentinian left back on obscenely high wages.

Our European run this year ended in the quarter finals. I don't like losing to Frenchmen, but after a little run of wins against them I was able to paint it as a one off and blame the referee when PSG beat us 3-1.

Season Overview 2041/42

League: 1st (86 points) New High
Cup: Winners
CL: Quarter Finals
European Super Cup Runners Up
Club World Championship Winners

5 players in, total spent £16.35m
5 players out, total received £21.83m

 

[Gulliball]

That summer I had my feet up in my office watching the 2042 World Cup Final (Brazil beat Mexico), when I started getting phone calls in funny languages. I of course hung up straight away, I don't want to speak to any foreigners.

Then the next morning I had emails flooding in from countries wanting me to manage them.

I turned them all down, naturally. I don't want to have to spend any time in Spain or Italy, they don't even have halušky.

Then Marek suggested I read them properly. Spain were offering me £33k per week, just to manage a football team! Italy were £40k per week. And England... well, England...

£99 000 per week. That's £5.15m per year.

To put that into perspective, I currently have a £60k per week attacking midfielder. I earn £850 per week.

27 years ago, I began life at Levice on £190 per week, which was soon reduced to £180 per week after I played our 8 foot lion mascot in full costume up front for 6 games. In all those years my career earnings were still under £1m, which averaged out at £36 000 per year.

That email changed my life. In nine weeks I could earn the same money as I had in the last 27 years.

They want me to win the European Championships, but fuck it, I'll be rich by then anyway, I don't actually have to do it.

I accepted the job offer. England is hosting the 2044 European Championships, the first tournament on their home soil since Euro 1996. By then I will have moved into the Kittenberger Arena and played there for a full season, and have already won every trophy it is possible to win - I will also be 62 years old, and will have more than £10m in the bank. Ten million pounds to spend all on myself...

Kalman Kittenberger will retire after the 2044 European Championships! That means two more years and then I am off to Rio with as many Lion Girls as will fit on the plane.

 

[Gulliball]

With my mind already halfway onto that Rio beach, I didn't have to do any more work on the squad. Marek had found a few 16 year olds with great potential, so I signed them for the future of the Club, but as I won't have to manage them in a first team capacity I won't be learning their names. I spent £1.7m on a back-up left back, the last player I will sign as Levice manager. He looks pretty shit but won't have to play too much with any luck.

The youth players were coming through nicely - the 16 year olds sewn a few seasons ago were now springing up as 19 year olds in my first team picture. So many so, that I decided to raise a bit of money for the Club's future. Anyone with the potential to be in the first team in the future was kept, the rest were either released or sold. I then kept 22 players aged 17 or older to play for the next two seasons, and sold everyone else.

I had a few central midfielders, so when PSG came in with £23.5m for Oliveira I let him go. Three seasons in Slovakia, one Champions League trophy, and a £22.7m profit. After losing my better players for £3m fifteen years ago, then £6m ten years ago and finally £15m in recent years, this was another leap upwards.

Oliveira was one of my stars, but we had players to replace him, and that's a lot of money for the future.

Carlos had made the central attacking midfield position his own since arriving from Real Madrid, meaning that Casamassima was now a very talented substitute with everyone fit. Manchester City came in with a £28.5m bid, and a new Club record was set. He had contributed a lot on the pitch, and was now contributing to the Club off the pitch.

11 players left, raising £68m. I now had 22 players in the first team and 6 kids in the youth team. Easy to manage, and no more transfers to make next summer, giving me the summer off to move into my new office.

Of course I now also had to give some attention to England. They're not going to pay me £99k per week to stay in Slovakia and phone in once a fortnight - I should know, I have a first written warning to prove it.

As hosts of the next tournament, we didn't even have to qualify, so only had a few friendlies to play. The original list was quickly cancelled and replaced by away friendlies in Jamaica and Barbados.

I wanted to see how the players responded in warmer temperatures, and after two wins I was happy with their work. Some people were not quite so welcoming of my experiments. The Manchester United Chairman, who I rejected two years ago, was still holding a grudge. He said he wasn't happy with his players travelling half way around the world on some 'jollies'. I responded by telling him to shut up and calling him a fat twat, to which he responded by withdrawing his players from the next squad.

The English FA showed no backbone at all. I was all for telling Man Utd to fuck off, we'll play without them, but they didn't want to cause another incident. One forced apology later I was on my second written warning already, and the Man Utd players were back in the squad. If I didn't need their £10m to retire on I would have told the FA to stuff it, but for the same reason I will be playing future friendlies closer to home and against better opposition.

Back in Slovakia, the Cup again came down to a Levice vs Trencin final. These were always sweet to win, especially with very late own goals.

Knowing James Leacock and his vendetta against me, I expect Daniel Dijkman will be taken round the back of the training ground and shot. A tragic waste of young life. 2-0 down and only 15 minutes to go, we really did snatch that from them.

In the league it could not have been closer. Both sides finished with 26 wins, 4 draws, 3 defeats and 82 points. Our goal difference was 4 higher (+62 to +58), but the league title came down to head to head record. That season we had drawn 1-1 at home, beaten them 1-0 away and lost 2-1 away. I have no idea how it was worked out, maybe we scored more away goals against them, or maybe after that it went back to goal difference, but either way we had secured the league by the smallest of margins. Domestic double secured and two fingers up to Leacock for the manner in which they were both won.

In Europe we topped a group of Basel, Benfica and Leverkusen with 15 points, setting up a tie against Valencia.

I was slightly concerned after losing the first leg 3-0, but £15.5m worth of wingers put them to the sword in a 5-0 home win.

Benfica (again) were seen off 6-5, and we faced PSG in the semi finals. I had sold them their best player last summer, but fortunately kept 6 who were just as good, and we beat them 1-0 in each leg to set up a final against Barcelona.

At 2-0 down in a Cup Final, I didn't panic. I knew the script by now - equalise, win in extra-time, name on the trophy, drink champagne from the cup.

Season Overview 2042/43

League: 1st (82 points)
Cup: Winners
CL: Winners

4 players in, total spent £3.66m
11 players out, total received £67.91m

Three new Champions League Winners, and with no more signings, the very last inductees into the Hall of Fame:

Peter Versluis
22 Years Old, Attacking Left Winger, Dutch.
Signed for £10m from Celtic, aged 20.

Armando Ferrero
26 Years Old, Attacking Right Winger, Italian.
Signed for £5.5m from Juventus, aged 24.

Carlos
22 Years Old, Attacking Midfielder, Spanish
Free Transfer from Real Madrid, aged 20.

I enjoyed that. That was a good season.

 

[Gulliball]

That summer we bid an emotional farewell to Levice Stadium. It was the scene of many memorable moments over the years, including some happy ones as well.

For the final game, I lined up a friendly against Bardejov. They were the first team we beat in the league, after having to wait until 6th September 2014 for a 3-2 win. The 5-0 scoreline didn't matter, it was all about the goodbyes.

We then moved into a new chapter in Levice history.

For the first game at the new ground I thought long and hard. In the end I invited Dubnica to the grand opening. They were the team who beat us 7-0 at home in that first season, when I had to hide in the bush to avoid being pelted with coins. From that low point, we were now in a brand new Arena, named in my honour and with no bushes in sight.

A 3-1 win ensured that I was able to avoid any further incidents of coin throwing.

When the League season kicked off, that was when things got exciting.

Carlos scored the first competitive goal at the new stadium, and we won 3-0 in front of a new record high Slovak crowd.

The new stadium completed the full set of top notch facilities that I will leave behind for my successor.

All that's left now is one more season, another £5m for playing some friendlies from the English FA and then I can retire in peace.

 

[Gulliball]

True to my word, I took the summer off. The squad didn't need any work, and with only one year left I sold the six remaining youth players and one ageing first team player (Club Legend Peter Sabo, signed aged 16 for £16.75k and sold to Dortmund for £14m aged 29). That left me with 21 players, which would be enough for the 55 odd games we'll hopefully play. £150m would be in the bank for the new manager next summer to take over and maintain my empire.

In the European Super Cup we faced Sporting Lisbon, who were beaten 2-0 for more silverware. The Club World Championship was also added to the bulging trophy cabinet.

The Slovak Cup was made easier when Trencin lost in the 3rd Round to Rim Sobota. No-one else was in our class and we beat Ruzomberok 4-0 in the final for our third cup win of the season.

Things with England were going as quietly as I could manage - turn up for the friendlies and say nothing to the media.

All was ticking along very nicely. We beat Juventus, Olympiakos, Leverkusen, Real Madrid, Man City and Man Utd (I enjoyed that in particular, but couldn't rub it in publically) to set up another Champions League final.

Trencin were not only domestic rivals, but by now Leacock had spent so much to challenge me that they were better than the rest of Europe as well. It was their first European final, and I didn't want to give him the pleasure of taking Trencin right to the top. Oh no, more than any other game in the history of football, this had to be won. Levice were the history makers in Slovak football, not Trencin.

The best win of my career, and what a way to bow out. A 4th Champions League win was special, but to deny Trencin their moment in the sunshine was a mighty relief.

After this win, there were 2 league games to play in the last week of the season, and things were tight at the top.

Trencin had won 28 of their 31 games, a record that saw them top the table, but we had managed to cling onto them, and were only two points back. The next game was quite important for the season. Trencin were coming into the mighty Kittenberger Arena.

The league season, which runs quite late in Slovakia anyway because of the three month weather enforced winter break, had been delayed by two sides reaching the Champions League final. It was only three weeks until the European Championships began, and as usual our talented squad were all in demand by their countries. I was proud to see ten of my first team, most of which I had nurtured from their teenage years, called up to represent their countries on the highest stage.

That was until they informed me that the pre-tournament friendlies were starting now. These ten players were on their respective planes with immediate effect.

I tried to get the last two games of the season postponed, but those bastards at the SFZ just laughed in my face when I suggested playing them in August.

"The new season starts in the middle of July" they said with glee.

I had no choice but to play the games. Thank god Spain didn't want Pedro as well.

Even the one non-European, who was free from being called up, was injured.

It was then that I remembered that I'd sold the reserves and youth team last summer, and only had 21 players at the club. With 10 called away, and three injured, I only had 8 players left to play against Trencin in the title decider and in the final game of the season, both of which had to be won at all costs.

The SFZ were no help whatsoever. No, I wasn't insured to play myself. No, Leon wasn't still registered to play (I'd forgotten that I'd killed him). No, the transfer window is closed. No, they won't stick their rule book up their arse.

In the end we played with the 8 guys and the best three 15 year olds from the U16 team.

Our league form was magnificent, but in the end we fought against impossible odds. 83 points from 31 proper games would have been enough for the title in most other seasons, but Trencin won 30 of the 33 games for a new record points total. We beat them twice in the two full strength matches we played, but only one other side managed to take points off them in 30 attempts, and that kind of form is impossible to beat.

In some ways it was a sad ending to 30 years as Levice manager, but I had experienced a full rollercoaster of emotions in that time, so I felt it was poignant to end on one last dip.

As I handed in my Club Tie and cleared things out of my office, I was proud to have left Levice with a bulging trophy cabinet, a brand new stadium, state of the art facilities, £150m in the bank and a supremely talented squad who were current European and World, if not Slovak, Champions.

Season Overview 2043/44

League: 2nd (83 points)
Cup: Winners
CL: Winners
European Super Cup: Winners
Club World Championship: Winners

0 players in
7 players out, total received £25.46m

 

[Gulliball]

I had to fulfil my England commitments at Euro 2044, but I would be retiring as soon as the tournament was over.

When arranging the friendlies to warm up, someone at the FA had tipped me off about a little trick they knew. "Arrange a friendly against a local side, and you'll start the tournament full of confidence". 7-0, they told me, was the scoreline to aim for.

And so after I tested us against Austria and Slovakia at Wembley, off we went to Essex to face local pub side Maldon and Tiptree.

A very handy trick, I thought to myself.

Pub football in England must be at one hell of a level, that's all I can say. I don't think any of the media could have been at the game, because they were all very critical. Had they seen how good Maldon and Tiptree were then I think they would have cut us more slack.

It was not the perfect confidence booster, but I ignored any unrest in the squad. Let the new manager deal with anything long term.

A 3-1 win over Portugal and draws with Hungary and Sweden were enough to top the group. England had a decent goalkeeper and midfield, but very little in defence and nothing up front.

In the second round we beat Czech Republic 2-0, but then faced Spain in the quarter finals.

Three of my Levice players played for them, including goalscorer Serrano (de Bergerac).

The FA expected more (they had won the 2040 Euros and 2034 and 2038 World Cups), but for the squad available, this was an average performance in my eyes.

Still, when it was over, it was over. After 30 years in the game, my career ended on a drizzly Friday night in Manchester. The English media even had the cheek to mock my umbrella as if it was relevant to our defeat.

Leacock must have bought all the English media too, given how critical they had been of me this summer.

 

[Gulliball]

So that's that. 30 years come and gone.

Of course after my departure, Levice was a far less exciting prospect. Only Marek and the scouting department remained for the new manager, the rest decided to leave with me.

In my 30 years I had managed 1433 games - winning 890 (62% win ration), drawing 236 and losing 307.

3188 goals scored and 1619 conceded.

10 927 days in the job, with only 789 on holiday (26 per year), had brought 18 awards and generated £10.5m in wages (thank-you England).

£134m had been spent, whilst receiving £483m - a record of which I am very proud. Trencin did this in reverse to achieve their comparatively minor success.

15 Slovak League Titles
1 Second Division Title
15 Slovak Cups
8 Slovak Super Cups
4 Champions League
3 Club World Championships
2 European Super Cups

Slovakia has been dominated.

 

[Gulliball]

The day after my retirement I was booking my flights to Rio, when the newspapers were abuzz with James Leacock trying to sell the Club. Now that I had gone, he had no interest in football any longer.

Within four days of my departure, he had the whole thing signed, sealed and delivered.

The Leacock Arena will remain, although hopefully might get renamed now, removing any trace of him from history. Not like the mighty Kittenberger Arena, that will stand for 100 years.

Not that I care any more. That's all from me. I am off to enjoy my retirement.

Bye.

 

[Cardsfan]

Only read snippets of this on TFF, so have read through as you've gone along. Excellent stuff, cheers.

 

[Smally]

My favourite FM story, tremendous stuff