The Joke thread

[Luke Imp]

ygolohcysP.

A bit of reverse psychology for you there.

(Nabbed off FB).

 

[The Iron]

 

[RavenBish]

I see the derelict perfume factory at the end of our street has been put up for sale. Not sure who would want to buy it. Makes no scents.

 

[claret50]

Fella buys a packet of mixed flavoured condoms.Rasberry,Banana,etc. He goes home and says to his wife "Lets play a game.I'll put one on and you guess what flavour it is".
She goes under the blanket and says "Cheese and onion" he says
"For f*ck sake ,Woman,I haven't put one on yet!"

 

[The Iron]

A famous American golfer is invited to go to China for a golfing tournament. From the second he gets there, he is treated like a king.
He is given five-star treatment in a five-star hotel until the day of the tournament.
The night before the tournament, he is sitting in his hotel room watching TV.
A hot Asian girl walks up to his room and he says, "Wow. They must really love me here."
He begins to have sex with her the whole night. She continues to scream, "Chung Hoi! Chung Hoi!," but he ignores it.
At the tournament, the American golfer gets a hole-in-one and gets really excited. He starts yelling, "Chung Hoi! Chung Hoi!"
One of the Chinese golfers says, "What do you mean 'WRONG HOLE'?"

 

[RavenBish]

What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bike and a badly-dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire.

 

[The Iron]

A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother,
"Is it true what Rita just told me?"
"What's that?" asks her mother.
"That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter.
"Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"

 

[Jackinky]

I once took a girl to the Carribean

Jamaica?

No, she came on her own accord

 

[The Iron]

A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror…
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible;
I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.”
The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

 

[claret50]

In Yorkshire Post following the death of his wife….
The couple had been happily married for 50 years. When informed of the cost of an obituary the man uttered, in true Yorkshire fashion, “How Much?”
He reluctantly produced his wallet. “I want summat simple he explained,
“My Gladys was a good-hearted and hard-working Yorkshire lass but she wunt ‘ave wanted owt swanky’.
“Perhaps a small poem,” suggested the woman at the desk.
‘Nay,’ he said, ‘she wunt ‘ave wanted anything la-di-da. Just put; ‘Gladys Braithwaite’s died”.
“You need to say when,’ he was told by the receptionist.
‘Do I? Well, put died 17th March 2015. That’ll do.’
‘It is usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearly departed.’
The man considered for a moment. ‘Well, put in, ‘Sadly missed.’ That’ll do,’ he said.
‘You can have another four words,’ the woman explained.
‘No, no!’ he cried, ‘she wouldn’t ‘ave wanted me to splash out.’
“The words are included in the price,’ the woman informed him.
‘Are they? You mean I’ve paid for ‘em
‘Yes, indeed.’
‘Well, if I’ve paid for ‘em exclaimed the man, ‘I’m ‘avin’ ‘em.
The obituary was duly printed:
Gladys Braithwaite. Died 17th March 2015. Sadly missed. Also Tractor for sale.

 

[claret50]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her knickers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

 

[johnnytodd]

The Swansea fan off here Abertawe was seen crying at a bus stop by a mate.

whats up mate he says why are you crying?

Abertawe says oh its the lads at work always taking the piss and i'm sick to death of it...

you know what you see that school over there i built that by hand, do they call me Abertawe the school builder?...... do they fuck

and you know something else, i built the canal too over there, dug it out with no help and pumped the water in myself do
they call me Abartawe the canal builder? ........ do they fuck

see that church there, i built that and quarried the stone myself mixed my own mortar too, do they call
me Abartawe the church builder? do they fuck















one sheep i shagged !

 

[The Iron]

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

 

[Gilly?]

---------------------------------------------

That's my best one liner.

 

[The Iron]

A Lady's Medical Examination

During a lady's medical examination, the doctors says, "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her clothes but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Please don't remove your clothes... just show me your tongue!"

 

[Veggie Legs]

Three logicians walk into a bar. The barman says 'Can I get all of you a drink?'
The first logician says, 'I don't know.'
The second logician says, 'I don't know.'
The third logician says, 'Yes please!'

 

[Red]

My girlfriend came downstairs this morning and said she's leaving me because I'm immature. I just shrugged my shoulders and carried on playing conkers.

 

[Red]

A man is driving his convertible in the countryside one summer. It was so hot that his girlfriend stood up and took her bra off. Unable to resist looking at her chest puppies he took his eyes off the road and lost control of the car. They crashed into a tree and the car was so badly mangled that only his foot was hanging out of the car. She managed to get out but in doing so tore off all her clothes. You'd better get some help he says. I can't I've got no clothes on. Put my shoe over your muff and get help. She walks down the road and eventually arrives at a garage. She goes in and says we need help my boyfriend is stuck. The bloke looks at her and says if he's that far in there's fuck all I can do

 

[Look Out There Are Llamas]

My girlfriend came downstairs this morning and said she's leaving me because I'm apathetic. I was going to ask her a pathetic what? But I just shrugged my shoulders.

 

[Red]

My girlfriend came downstairs this morning and said she's leaving me because I'm apathetic. I was going to ask her a pathetic what? But I just shrugged my shoulders.

Did you make that up?

Doctor - you really have to stop masturbating.
Patient - why?
Doctor - because I'm trying to examine you

 

[Red]

Why did the train come off the rails?
He'd got in with the wrong crowd, started taking drugs and had a drink problem.

 

[The Iron]

Oh dear, Red is in the joking mood again.

Just kidding

 

[Red]

A man goes to buy a car from a dealer. He said to the salesman I want to buy the most state of the art car. The salesman says yes sir step this way. Here it is sir, shall we take it for a test drive? Ok says the man, where are the keys? The salesman says there are no keys sir, this car is voice activated. They get in the car and the man says what do I say to start it? The salesman says you have to say fucking hell sir. The man laughed and said how do I stop it? The salesman said you have tosay bastard sir. The man says fucking hell and the car roars into life. After driving for an hour the man is feeling very confident and heads for a winding narrow road on the cliff's. Driving really fast he takes a corner too fast and loses control. He shouts BAAAAASSSSSTTTTAAARRD!!!! and the car comes to a stop teetering on the edge of the cliffs. Overwhelmed with relief he looks at the salesman, let's out a long sigh and says fucking hell

 

[Red]

A kid goes running up to his dad crying his eyes out. Dad, dad he bawled I've just been down to the shops and our lightning couldn't keep up with me. Comforting his son his dad says son lighting is a very old tortoise now, he's not as young as he used to be.The kid, still upset says but dad he could hardly move. His dad says look son don't worry because when he dies we'll make a lovely little grave, you can have some friends round and have blancmange, jelly and pop. The kid says fuckin hell dad can we kill him now?

 

[The Iron]

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

 

[Red]

Oh dear, Red is in the joking mood again.

Just kidding

Taken in the spirit intended mate. It made me laugh.

3 men are stranded on a desert island when suddenly a genie appears. The genie says I shall grant you all one wish. The first man says I want to go home to my wife and kids, the second man says me too. Whoosh. They are gone. The genie asks the third man who replies hmm it's gonna be lonely here now, I'll have them two back

 

[Red]

Two tramps are sat on a wall when one of them sniffs the air and asks the other have you shit yourself? The other tramp says no I haven't. The first tramp says are you sure? Yeah I'm sure says his mate. I don't believe you, drop your kecks and let's have a look. His mate drops his trousers and he is caked in shit. Thought you hadn't shit yourself the first tramp said. His mate replied oh I thought you meant today

 

[Red]

A man picks a woman up in a night club and takes her home. After a drink they go upstairs to his bedroom for a night of passion. As the woman starts getting undressed a voice suddenly booms I hope it's not that fat c*** from last week. Astonished, the woman says what the fuck was that? the bloke said it's just the memory foam mattress ignore it

 

[Look Out There Are Llamas]

Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven was a well known six offender.

 

[The Iron]

Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"