The Joke thread

[MatchDayExperience]

My doctor reckons I'm paranoid.

He didn't say it, but I know he's thinking it.

 

[Furry Beaver]

What do a pizza delivery man and a gynaecologist have in common?

They're both allowed to smell it but not allowed to eat it.

 

[johnnytodd]

Snow white Tomb Thumb and hunchback of notre damn go to the guiness book of records

Snow white goes in first , comes out 2 minutes later " it's official i am the most beautiful woman in the world"

well done the other 2 say

Tom Thumb goes in and he too comes out 2 minutes later proclaiming " its official i am the smallest person the in the world"

my turn hunchback says no-one is uglier than me this will be a breeze

1 minute later hunchback comes out crying " whats up why are you so upset?" the othet two ask Hunchback

" who the fuck is Saltire?" hunchback shouts

 

[JimJams]

That's time I'll never get back, you shit.

 

[RavenBish]

Just watching Rachel Riley on countdown and got aroused.

It's not very often I get 7 letters

 

[claret50]

A doctor was advising a couple after he had performed minor lower abdominal surgery on the wife.
"It will take you seven days to heal properly, so no sex for a week, do you understand?"
Did you hear that the wife asked her husband, yes he said, But he was talking to you.

 

[epic73]

I remember the last thing my grandfather said before he kicked the bucket.

He said "How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

 

[The Iron]

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.

The next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, and each day it was written in larger letters.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words,

"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

 

[D B Disco]

Just watching Rachel Riley on countdown and got aroused.

It's not very often I get 7 letters

I got A Hard On, but apparently that's not allowed.

 

[Christian Slater]

Made another one up:

Peter Kay is doing a period piece, it's called Maxim Paddies.

 

[Kaawaterloo]

I met a lumberjack yesterday. Seemed like a good feller.....

 

[silkyman]

I started using those probiotic drinks and got possessed by a demon.

Serves me right for messing with the yakult.

 

[Stagat]

Boosh!

 

[nousername]

The man who invented autocorrect died today. His funfair is next monkey...

 

[silkyman]

An seo professional walks into a bar, bars, the bar, the bars, bar London, bars London, London bar, London bars, pub, pubs, London pubs...

 

[Stevencc]

Such a fantastic sense of humour.

 

[silkyman]

I'm being stalked in the joke thread now.

Jesus.

 

[Cheese & Biscuits]

I'm being stalked in the joke thread now.

Jesus.

Worst punchline ever.

 

[silkyman]

https://japecake.wordpress.com/2011/12/27/worst-punchlines-ever/

Nope... It's not there.

Came close with 'Scientology', mind...

 

[The Iron]

The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself "She's going through the change."

 

[JaseTheVillain]

I went to the zoo today and took a shit in the stingray aquarium and shouted "This is for you Steve!". I was escorted from the premises.

 

[RavenBish]

is that meant to be a joke?

 

[Cheese & Biscuits]

No, I do believe he actually shit in an aquarium.

 

[silkyman]

Stupid forum... Be more funny..

 

[silkyman]

Dull but true.

I went to Blackpool Aquarium today. I didn't shit there.

 

[silkyman]

Made a change from last week when we spent hours and hour going around and around on the Alton Towers Monorail...

My wife is obsessed with them.

One track mind.

 

[epic73]

Bob is piloting a four-engine plane. Paddy is the co-pilot.
Bob announces "All passengers, the first of our engines has blown. We'll be half an hour late."
An hour later, Bob announces "Our second engine has blown. We'll be three hours late."
Two hours later, Bob announces "Our third engine's blown. We'll be eight hours late."
To which Paddy replies "If that fourth engine blows, we'll be up here all night!"

 

[Red]

http://viz.co.uk/davros/

 

[RavenBish]

My cousin went to Uni to spend 3yrs studying "The Art of Narrow Wins in Football" and came away with a 2:1.

 

[Cheese & Biscuits]

Is that meant to be a joke?

(Been waiting a week to post that)