The Joke thread

[PuB]

Shoutout to the people who don't know what the opposite of in is

 

[claret50]

I pulled a dyslexic bird last night.

I took her home and she cooked my sock.

 

[epic73]

Did you hear about the man who lost his wig?
There was hell toupee.

I'm sorry.

 

[Pagnell]

Remember when Dennis Waterman ruled England?

 

[claret50]

Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if
his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His doctor says "Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what
we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit - a small can of red paint, a
small can of blue paint and a shovel."

Mario asks "So, what do I do with these things doc?
The doctor replies "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you
paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.
If she says "That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen!"... you hit
her with the shovel.

 

[Pliny Harris]

Can't help but read claret50's jokes and japes in the voice of an old school WMC stand-up.

 

[Jackinky]

Frank De Boer has turned down the Everton job, however, his brother Rupert would be interested.

 

[claret50]

Sex in the Shower.


In a recent survey carried out for a leading toiletries firm [Brut],

people from Liverpool have proved to be the most likely to have had

sex in the shower.

In the survey, 86% of Liverpool's inner city residents said that they

have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.

 

[claret50]

I was sitting on the bed last night pulling my boxers off and the wife says "You spoil those dogs"

 

[Red]

Can't help but read claret50's jokes and japes in the voice of an old school WMC stand-up.

Yabba dabba doo, I mean erm Abba Dabba Doo...ooh you cheeky monkey

 

[appletablepenny]

Fat Bob..Bob the blob...fat blobby bastard Bob

 

[tinpot]

Have you heard of the Indian porn star?
Ramatin Baldeep.


I'll get my coat.......taxi!!!!

 

[Red]

Fat Bob..Bob the blob...fat blobby bastard Bob

Aww you look like a little panda.

 

[appletablepenny]

Aw Bob, you're dead clever....

I should stop now, before this descends into a line-by-line recital of the whole film.

 

[Luke Imp]

My girlfriend dumped me because of my obsession with plants. I asked "where's this stemming from petal?".

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.

 

[Jackinky]

I've been watching the Ladies Beach Volleyball and there's already been a wrist injury... But I should be okay by Monday.

 

[The Iron]

I booked a B&B in Blackpool today.. the women I spoke to on the phone, said "It's only a stones throw away from the beach"
I said, how do you know that? woman said "All of the windows are smashed"

 

[Abertawe]

I booked a B&B in Blackpool today.. the women I spoke to on the phone, said "It's only a stones throw away from the beach"
I said, how do you know that? woman said "All of the windows are smashed"

Funny joke that mate.

 

[Indian Dan]

Dwarf shortage

 

[claret50]

If the woman you're with is uncomfortable about you masterbating in front of her, do you

A.Talk to her about your feelings ?

B.Talk to her about her feelings? or

C. Sit somewhere else on the bus?

 

[The Iron]

Option C

 

[The Iron]

Waiting between Bishop's Stortford and Harlow, to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along the M11 motorway at 11MPH so he says to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...eleven miles an hour!" ....the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that M11 is the road number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."

 

[Pagnell]

What did the two gay cowboys say to each other?

"Yup."
"Yup."

 

[Leo]

Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.



Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?
The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said,
'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'
The fairy godmother replied,
'It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?'
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'


At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'


Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said,
'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments,

Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.


Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
'Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off'

 

[Leo]

Aww you look like a little panda.

Re your sig mate......I was watching 'I'm Alan Partridge' yesterday & heard that line....funny as fuck actually hearing it.....

 

[claret50]

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for ten more years, and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out,
“Watch out for that fucking wall this time".....

 

[Hank]

I was attacked with a power tool the other day. Walking down the street minding my own business, then Bosch.

 

[claret50]

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.

In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the
fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first
two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favourite pub in Galway Town, The Sharkey Pub, the moment you set
foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you
upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.

"Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."……...

 

[Red]

 

[johnnytodd]

In the indian last night , waiter came over and said,'Curry ok sir'

I said ok one song then Fuck off