The Joke thread

[Cheese & Biscuits]

I bought a postcard when on holiday. It was nice enough but nothing to write home about.

 

[Luke Imp]

For my next trick, I will eat a percussion instrument sandwich.

Drum roll please...

 

[silkyman]

There are eleven types of people. Those that understand Roman numerals and those that don't.

There's 10 types... Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

 

[HertsWolf]

There's 10 types... Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

Actually there are three types: those who are good at maths. And those who aren't.

 

[claret50]

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.While
en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man
suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the
act. For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The
husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his
wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked
man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it ! I
lied when I told you I inherited
money:

HE paid for the
Porsche I gave you.

HE paid for our
new cabin cruiser.

HE paid for
your football season tickets.

HE paid for our
house at the lake.

HE paid for
your Hawaiian golf vacation.

HE paid for our country club
membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side,
the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says,
'What would you do?'

The cabby replies, 'Me? I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he
catches a cold!!'

 

[blade1889]

I couldn't quite work out where to put this, politics forum? Random picture thread? But as it made me laugh out loud I've put this, a tattoo someone has on their arm of the UKIP leader here...enjoy

 

[Luke Imp]

That arm is bigger than my thigh.

 

[blade1889]

That arm is bigger than my thigh.

She could've got Jon Prescott on their!

 

[claret50]

Little Harry attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Harry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'
His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Harry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the milkman wants to buy Mum .....'

 

[Whitechapel]

A duck goes into a shop & asks for a tube of ChapStick. The Cashier says "That'll be £1.50 please. The Duck says "Just put it on my bill".

 

[claret50]

Bill catches a taxi home one evening, the cabbie charges him almost double the usual fare and when Bill complains he becomes abusive.
Bill resolves to get his revenge if he comes across this taxi driver again.

A week later Bill goes to get a cab home and notices the driver from the week before is third in the taxi rank.
He strolls up and gets in the first cab, once inside he tells the driver that he doesn’t have any cash but, if he takes him home he’ll give him a blow job.
The cab driver goes mad and kicks him out of his cab.
Bill now gets into the second cab and makes that driver the same proposition: a blow job for a lift home. The second driver also refuses and kicks him out.
So now Bill gets into the third taxi, the guy who ripped him off, and asks to be dropped a few blocks away.
As the cab drives off Bill smiles at the first two drivers and gives a big thumbs up…

 

[blade1889]

please dont hate me for it being buzzfeed but laughed out loud at some of these

http://www.buzzfeed.com/robinedds/2...ryone-else?bffbuk&utm_term=4ldqphz#.hxAREbZWm

 

[Christian Slater]

Hear about the golfer that bedded the Queen?

He got a hole in one.

 

[silkyman]

A duck walks into a bar and asks for a pint of beer. The barman is amazed and says 'blimey.. You could get a job in the circus'

'Are they looking for a plumber?' Asked the duck..

 

[claret50]

A fairy story.

Once upon a time, a fellow asked a beautiful girl to marry him

She said no.

And the fellow lived happily ever after. He went to every football match, he played golf, he drank whisky and beer whenever he wanted, he had lots of money in the bank, he left the toilet seat up and farted to his heart's content.

 

[blade1889]

Got caught peeing in the local Swimming pool this morning, idiot Lifeguard shouted so loud I almost fell in!

 

[HertsWolf]

A mate asked me to drive his car up to Glasgow from London. Offered me £1.

Not a lot to chauffeur it.

[I might have read this one here!]

 

[Stevencc]

During a job interview yesterday I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed slightly.

"Nervous?" asked the interviewer.

"No, I always give 110%" I replied.

 

[Jackinky]

A dancer was late for a plane, as he got there he begged the pilot to let him on, to which the pilot replied "you don't think you can just waltz on, do you?

 

[chairboyexile]

Q.How do aproch an angry welsh cheese

A. Caerphilly

 

[The Iron]

An Emergency Call Center worker in London, England has been sacked, much to the dismay of her colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her dismissal. It seems a male caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating, " I am depressed and lying here on a railway line. I am waiting for the train to come so i can finally meet Allah."

Apparently, " remain calm and stay on the line, " was not considered to be an appropriate response.

 

[The Iron]

Was just walking back from town earlier when I found a ball in the gutter. I looked around but could see no one, so I trousered it thinking that'll be ideal for our dog.

5 mins later I bumped into the local bobby who pointed at my pocket and said 'What's that'? 'Tennis Ball' I replied. 'Christ' he said, 'I had Tennis Elbow once, but it never swelled up like that bugger'

 

[silkyman]

The wife wants a new house so I've spent all day looking at properties with 'period features'

She hates it when I call her that.

 

[The Iron]

Two women friends had gone out for a "girls night out". Feeling quite drunk, they decided to walk home, to try and sober up a bit before getting indoors to their husbands.

Unfortunately, before they reached home, they were caught short and decided to resolve their "predicament" in a nearby cemetery.

On finishing their "business", one of the women wiped herself down with her knickers and then disposed of them.

The other woman, not wanting to use her knickers, found a wreath beside one of the graves and decided to clean herself with that. They then continued their journey home.

The following day one of the husbands of the two friends, was very concerned and decided to phone the other husband.



1st Husband: "I know our ladies deserve a night out together now and again but I'm beginning to get suspicious. Mine came home minus her panties!"

2nd Husband: "You think you've got problems, mine came home with a card stuck in her bum, with a message stating", "FROM ALL THE LADS AT THE FIRE STATION, WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU".

 

[PaulHaddock]

I got on the bus the other day and found a man furiously masturbating on the back seat. I could tell that he was disturbing many of the people on the bus, many of them children, so I decided to challenge him.
Unfortunately, I couldn't maintain my erection...

 

[This Charming Mike]

Don't get into a relationship with a Tennis player, love means nothing to them.

 

[chairboyexile]

The SPL

 

[The Iron]

A husband says to his wife, "what would you do if I won the Lottery?"


She says,
"I'd take half, then leave you."


"Excellent," he replies,
"I just won £10 , here's £5 - now Sod off!"

 

[Cheese & Biscuits]

My wife's star sign was Cancer so it was quite ironic how she died...


...she was killed by a giant crab.

 

[The Iron]

Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s Morning:


"Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back:

"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:

"Computer really screwed up now.”