The Joke thread

[blade1889]

I lost my watch at a party. Whilst looking for it I saw a man sexually harassing a woman had stood on it so I went up to him and punched him in the face, no one does that a woman… not on my watch.

Did you pass GCSE English?

 

[TomPNE94]

Did you pass GCSE English?

Copy and pasted it, m8.

 

[blade1889]

Copy and pasted it, m8.

Orate, let ya off

 

[Richard Cranium]

What do Marge Simpson's vagina and Argentina both have in common?

They both got destroyed by Maggie

 

[GTFC1979]

When i was a boy my uncle used to be a hypnotist and once he took me into his bedroom to show me how it worked..........
AND........................HE...................
NEVER...............INNAPROPRIATELY...................TOUCHED........................ME.........

 

[GTFC1979]

A guy goes into a Butchers and says to the Butcher, 'I bet you £50 you can't reach those bits of beef on your top shelf without a ladder'.
To which the Butcher replies, 'Nah, the stakes are too high'.......

 

[GTFC1979]

A centipede rings his mate up to see if he's coming round to watch the football.
'Yeah im just getting dressed then ill be straight round'.
Half hour later no sign of him so his mate rings him 'where are you, you said you would be straight round'?
'Well give me a chance' he says, ' i'm still putting my fucking shoes on'!!


Sorry, i'll stop now.......!

 

[les.gtfc]

A centipede rings his mate up to see if he's coming round to watch the football.
'Yeah im just getting dressed then ill be straight round'.
Half hour later no sign of him so his mate rings him 'where are you, you said you would be straight round'?
'Well give me a chance' he says, ' i'm still putting my fucking shoes on'!!


Sorry, i'll stop now.......!

Ah, you're the chap who stole Bob Monkhouse's joke book.

 

[Pliny Harris]

The Chuckle Brothers got a prize at last year's Rotherham Agricultural Show in the "longest sheep" competition.

They won it with their two metre ewe.

 

[RavenBish]

Noooooooo

 

[GTFC1979]

Paddy talking to Mick. 'Mick i've built a rocket and i'm gonna fly it to the sun'.
'The sun? But you'll burn to death you stupid bastard'.
'No, i've already thought of that, i'm gonna go at night.........'

 

[Humongous Fungus]

The Chuckle Brothers got a prize at last year's Rotherham Agricultural Show in the "longest sheep" competition.

They won it with their two metre ewe.

I love it!

 

[Humongous Fungus]

My son came up to me sobbing his eyes out because his toy was broken.

Go and pass me the super glue," I smiled, "We'll have this fixed in no time."

It actually worked, he never made a sound for the next ten hours.

 

[RavenBish]

Told that joke this morning and I actually saw the 'please shut the fuck up now' in their eyes as I said the words Rotherham Agricultural Show

I will continue stealing it though, starting with Twitter

 

[Richard Cranium]

I'm in witness protection.

I sell condoms to Jehovah's.

 

[Richard Cranium]

Went to see the worst faith healer ever last night.

He was so bad, a bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out.

 

[Red]

Went to see the worst faith healer ever last night.

He was so bad, a bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out.

Love it

 

[Stringy]

What do you call a mouse who works in a German supermarket?

Stuart LIDL hahahahahahahahahahaha

 

[Aberstone]

Have YOU had to walk 500 miles?

Were you advised to walk 500 more?

You could be entitled to compensation. Call the Pro Claimers now!

 

[This Charming Mike]

Who wants to learn Roman numerals?

I for one.

 

[Gilly?]

Who wants to learn Roman numerals?

I for one.

In the same vain...

The theatre down the road were showing XXX Roman plays. I thought it sounded really sexy.

It was just 30 plays.

 

[Stagat]

I was going to watch American History X last night but I've not seen the first nine yet.

 

[Whitechapel]

A man goes to see the doctor. "Doctor, every time I drink coffee my eye hurts". Doctor says, "Next time you drink coffee take the spoon out".

 

[Cheese & Biscuits]

An oldie but a goodie...

A man goes to buy a house that is in a Native American reservation area. He is shown around by the chief.

"Does the house have a garage"
"Yes, there's a double garage out the back"

"How many bedrooms?"
"4 bedrooms"

"Does it come with running water"
"No, fuck off and find your own wife"

 

[Pliny Harris]

Q. How do you titillate an ocelot?

A. Oscillate its tits a lot.

 

[The Hand of Dom]

What's the difference between a 36-year-old's face and an underage child?

The BBC will sack you for putting your fist in a 36-year-old's face

 

[Pliny Harris]

I went to Southend the other day. Never again.

I was walking down the seafront when I saw a bloke manhandling his partner's baby. They started arguing quite viciously, then, as I was watching them it erupted into a full-blown fight. I thought it'd all calm down when a policeman turned up, who started hitting the man with his truncheon, but it only ended up with the man snatching the truncheon from him and hitting them both and all of a sudden they were all at it, smashing each other to bits.

Then a crocodile turned up and took off with all the sausages.

 

[Jackinky]

I used to be a marquee builder but then I realised it was too tense.

 

[Jackinky]

What did the spice say when somebody knocked on his door?

Cumin

 

[Pliny Harris]

My mate who runs a greengrocers was getting a bit stir crazy, so I took him on an adventure holiday. It was good to take him out of his kumquat zone.