The Joke thread

[silkyman]

My New Year's Resolution is to stop using spray deodorant.

Roll on 2015!!

 

[Humongous Fungus]

I can only ever remember two or three different motown acts, maybe four tops. Oh, there's another one, I'm better at this than I thought.

 

[Pliny Harris]

For as long as I remember I've had a phobia of the Gibb brothers. They've always given me the heebie Bee Gees.

 

[Gilly?]

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, an American, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, a Canadian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Argentinian, a Libyan, a Qatari, an Indian, a Laotian and a Ghanaian went to a night club.

The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in with a Thai."

 

[RavenBish]

My www.superbowl.com site is starting to get a lot of hits. It seems people are finally appreciating the sheer quality of my owl

 

[Gilly?]

My www.superbowl.com site is starting to get a lot of hits. It seems people are finally appreciating the sheer quality of my owl

One of my favourites.

 

[Krazy8]

The back of his anorak was leaping up and down and people were chucking money to him.
I said: “Do you earn a living doing that?”
He said: “Yes, this is my livelihood.”

 

[TomPNE94]

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, an American, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, a Canadian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Argentinian, a Libyan, a Qatari, an Indian, a Laotian and a Ghanaian went to a night club.

The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in with a Thai."

Shouldn't this say without? It confused me for ages haha

 

[Gilly?]

I tried so hard to make sure I'd spelt the nationalities right I end up missing one of the easiest words. Hahaha!

 

[blade1889]

I'm not sure how many problems I have cos Maths is on of them.

 

[Stagat]

Add spelling to your list.

 

[blade1889]

well I'm on to so far then, can manage that

 

[Aberstone]

As I looked into her eyes, I felt my knees go weak and my stomach turned to butterflies. That's when I realised I had drugged the wrong glass.

 

[Pliny Harris]

What do you call a racist poet?

e e edl cummings

 

[This Charming Mike]

Took my girlfriend out for dinner last night and got called a paedophile just because she's 19 and I'm 30.

Completely ruined our 10th anniversary.

 

[Luke Imp]

Someone saw that on Twitter this morning!

 

[Red]

Someone saw that on Twitter this morning!

I don;t get it.

 

[Luke Imp]

Jokes about German sausage are wurst.

 

[Luke Imp]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

 

[Christian Slater]

I used to have a job drilling for water. It was well boring.

 

[Pliny Harris]

Jehovah's Witnesses came to my door this morning. I answered it and they said, "We're here to talk to you about Jesus." I replied, "Oh no, what's he done now?"

 

[This Charming Mike]

Bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

 

[GasMan]

A man walked into a bar. Ouch

 

[Gilly?]

What's the best number of Roses to give the wife for Valentine's Day - 6? 12? 24?

I'm not giving her the whole tin.

 

[nousername]

I bought my wife "50 Shades of Grey" as an e-book to help re-Kindle our relationship.

 

[nousername]

Did you hear about the explosion in a French cheese factory? All that was left was des Brie...

 

[Luke Imp]

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

 

[Richard Cranium]

I was at a job interview today. The interviewer said to me, "On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery."

I said, "That's correct."

He said, "Would you like to elaborate?"

I said, "No."

 

[les.gtfc]

My Champion racing snail hasn't been winning many races recently so I decided to take off his shell to help with his weight and aerodynamics.

Unfortunately it doesn't seem to have worked. If anything it's just made him more sluggish.

 

[TomPNE94]

I lost my watch at a party. Whilst looking for it I saw a man, who was sexually harassing a woman, had stood on it, so I went up to him and punched him in the face.

No-one does that to a woman… not on my watch.




EDIT: Fixed the grammar for blade1889